I wish that they could see our faces while this is going on, because it's just, Paul, do you think there's like a writers' room where like old British men who deliver prophecies sit around and practice their prophetic stylings, you know?

I have been given to know.

No, no, I've been given to believe.

I have been told to believe.

No, no, no, no, Brian, Brian. A little deeper on the voice. I, you know, like.

I mean, what?

By the way, later in the film, Freddie Jones rolls an R like eight times. It's really impressive.

I mean, I love watching these like sort of, you know, old hammy British actors, you know, who are just, I mean, Freddie Jones. Look, it's through for how it it's through for it's and it's also Aubrey from Firefox, my friend.

Yes, of course.

You know, it's interesting because if you love David Lynch's Dune, and I know you and I do, I don't know if producer Brad does.

Christopher Potter.

Did he like it?

That started the Potter rules.

That's right. Okay. Producer Brad, can you please illuminate the Potter rules to our audience?

I have no idea. I have no idea what you're talking about.

Christopher Potter was the movie reviewer for the Ann Arbor News.

Famously.

And his review for Dune was, this supplants Star Wars as the all-time greatest science fiction ever. It was that kind of grand statement. And then we saw it and then we made the Potter rules that we feel the opposite way towards films that he does.

Yeah. I remember that was a big part of our high school experience.

I was going to say the Potter rules were to source the same hallucinogens that he was clearly, he was clearly ingested.

It was the spice melange.

Yeah, exactly.

But friends, friends, the movie we're watching today is, I believe, called Krull. Krull. Krull.

We're back in genre.

We're back in genre.

But you know, Paul, I kind of feel like we're back in genre for our sins, you know? I had such a much better time watching Flashdance, and I'm trying to figure out if the Summer of 83 is about teaching us to enjoy things outside of our wheelhouse. What are your thoughts?

There's so many life lessons that we have unexpectedly encountered and enriched ourselves with, and hopefully our audiences. And Krull, this is one of the most interesting experiences I've had, because I only had faint, dim memories of the film, and I couldn't quite discern in the depths of my memory whether I thought this was a good or bad movie. And even watching it, I wasn't quite sure, is this better or worse than I remember it?

You know, it is, my experience of it is that it is exactly the same as I remember it. And that's the part I find so weird. It's like, look, Paul, we watch these movies as kids, and then we watch them as grownups for this alleged podcast we're doing, right? And a lot of the, what's so interesting, I'm like, oh, now that I'm 55, or, you know, you're 32, you know, I recognize this is different. This movie is the exact same. I got no new insights from watching it, and it's just there. It is Krull, and it just explains itself. It has no further, it is sui generis. It is, Krull is Krull is Krull. It's just Krull all the way down, my friend.

Yeah.

Yeah, it is Krulltastic.

All right.

You know what? You know what? I think on that note, ladies and gentlemen, I'm Javier Grillo-Marxuach.

And I'm Paul Alvarado-Dykstra.

And this is...

Multiplex Overthruster, Summer of 83.

We are watching Krull today.

Yeah.

And the movie to this movie is Krull. And I think we discussed sadly before the theme song, the importance of it to us as children and as adults. So I think let me just give you a quick plot recap and let's go straight to the belt. Let's just do it, Paul.

I agree. I fully support that decision.

Paul, you are-

Because it took us 19 minutes, I believe, last week to get to the movie.

But that was Flashdance. That's a very special film in my heart now, Paul.

Yes, exactly. As it is mine.

All right. There is a planet called Krull. And in this planet called Krull, there is a young prince named Colwyn who has, along with the princess Lyssa, brokered a marriage which will unite the land against the Beast. The Beast is an interplanetary alien who his fortress travels through space, lands in places, and then they just kind of take over. So Colwyn and his princess Lyssa start trying to get married in order to seal their alliance. Their wedding is interrupted by the Beast and his minions, the Slayers, who kick some ass, take some names, kidnap the princess, and for the next two hours, the Beast tries to get the princess to marry him, and Colwyn gathers a ragtag army of thieves and wizards and itinerant somethings, and they make it to the Beast's castle. They slay the Beast, they get the Queen. I mean, not that much going on in this movie, is there, Paul?

It is, from a plot standpoint, a fairly paint-by-numbers D&D quest.

So linear. So linear.

Very similar to those that we've seen before, but without the kind of tragic backstory of the lead character. There's no backstory, really, for our lead characters.

Yes, Freddie Jones' character has backstory, but that is, of course, entirely in three pages of dialogue near the end of the scene, and you hear none of it further from there, so there you go.

Yeah, but the thing that sets this film apart is that it is this really strange mashup of sci-fi and fantasy elements.

Yeah, yeah.

It kind of wants to be Star Wars, but it also kind of wants to be...

Excalibur.

Excalibur, a little bit, yes, because there is also this weapon. But also similar to Sword and the Sorcerer, it is advertised to feature this resplendently awesome weapon, yes.

Super weapon.

Yes.

That we don't see used at all.

Nope.

Until the finale.

Until the finale. And then it's...

And then it's a buzzsaw.

It's whelming. It's not underwhelming. It's not overwhelming. It's just whelming. It's like, oh, hey, here's the blue weapon. That's nice. That's great. Okay, cool. Paul, I want to say, when this movie starts, okay, and it's the Columbia Pictures logo and there are...

Are we ringing the bell?

Oh, shit. Okay. Sorry. Producer Brad, let's ring the bell.

Ding, ding.

Ding. All right.

So the Columbia Pictures logo comes up, and immediately we have these James Horner... I think this is the first time he used the weird choral voices, because I remember them in Cocoon. But I think this is James Horner's first use of the weird theremin-like choral voices, you know? And honestly, even that is just so much grander than the film itself, you know, that you're just sort of like... But the first... But my first thing watching this movie was I went, this entire score is just literally sounds exactly like Battle Beyond the Stars.

Like, it is like...

Like, I know a lot of James Horner's early work. I didn't remember this one very well. And it is like literally... I mean, this score is entirely recycled from Star Trek 2 and Battle Beyond the Stars.

There is...

I don't think he has a single original melody here.

I love James Horner.

Me too.

Yes.

And I am loathe to say anything even vaguely disparaging about this great man's work.

Agreed.

Who we dearly miss.

Agreed.

But it is undeniable that he is sometimes more inspired by some films than others.

Yes.

This strikes me throughout that it might be the least inspired that Horner has ever been by a film. I think... It's such a forgettable score. It is recycled. There are little hints of Star Trek II. There's even a little precursor to Stealing the Enterprise from Star Trek III. Yes, there is, yes. But then he fully develops and blossoms for that score. But this score, it just feels like a regression. It's not, he's, yeah, it's...

I can say one great thing about the score, okay? Because we, look, here's the thing. There is a giant Shai Hulud in the room whenever you talk about James Horner, okay? Well, Shai Hulud is by definition giant. But the point being that whenever you talk about James Horner, like James Horner is great. There is no doubt about it. But he is one of the great recyclers of his own material ever.

Yes.

And listening to the score...

Shamelessly.

Shamelessly. And listening to the score, the one thing I did like, by the way, was that it was kind of like... So, look, when I was a kid, I listened to the Star Trek II score in my Walkman. I think we've gone through this in our podcast about Star Trek II, like every night. And listening to this, I'm like, this is kind of like listening to the Star Trek II score that I didn't listen to every night. It's like the same but totally different.

Kind of the rejected score.

Okay.

Kind of like a temp, like a warm up, but that he didn't really fully.

I mean, the thing is this movie is a lot more languid than Star Trek II, dare I say.

I found when I got bored, I closed my eyes and suddenly I was watching the Enterprise leave the morning. I went off to a better movie for a moment.

Producer Brad, you are not wrong. You are not wrong.

If only. Because I, and not to jump too far ahead, but I mean, the other thing.

Are you jumping?

This is a film by Peter Yates.

Yes, indeed.

Director of, among other things, Bullitt, and it's just so striking that the director of Bullitt could make a film this languid.

I know, right?

And kind of tedious, also kind of weird.

I think when you say kind of tedious, I don't think it's kind of tedious. I think it is straight up tedious. I think that they had a lab next to the production office where they're innovating new forms of tedium.

It's kind of impressive, actually. There's lots of travelogues.

Oh my god, if you took out all the travel time from this movie, it would be like 45 minutes long, right? It's literally just...

Maybe. Yeah, I think there's at least... This is a 90-minute movie in a two-hour back. Yes. And it does not need to be two hours in any way, shape, or form, much like many episodes of our podcast.

So many episodes of our podcast.

But it does have pretty regular doses of fun.

That's the weird thing. It's like every once in a while, I did pipe up and be like, this movie is kind of entertaining. And then... Okay, Paul, before... So over the opening credits, we're seeing the Beast's Castle, which looks like a giant rock flying through space. So the one thing about these credits that made me sort of pipe up with joy was seeing Ray Lovejoy, who is the editor, right? Who's edited a lot of many... I mean, this guy's one of the great editors of that time, like literally Korea that spans the late 50s, 60s, 70s and 80s, right? My favorite bit of Ray Lovejoy trivia, though, is that he is the inspiration for the words Dr. Strangelove. Because he was Kubrick's editor, and Kubrick kept making fun of his name. So Strangelove was Kubrick's riff on Lovejoy. And every time I see his name, I'm reminded of that far better film. So there you go.

Well, speaking of transposing or just kind of changing names.

Uh-huh, right.

We opened with the sequence, which is the best shot effect sequence in the film, is the opening sequence.

Yeah, it's pretty great.

Which is the space thing of this giant kind of jagged, asteroid looking thing that is...

Flying through space toward the planet Krull.

Flying towards this planet Krull that has two suns.

Some might say inexorably.

Yes. And then you think, it's like, oh, is this the end of the dinosaurs? Is this asteroid going to cause this cataclysm? No, it gently lands.

Yes, it just gently.

Because it is a spaceship and a fortress and a mountain.

And on the inside, it's a ripoff of Salvador Dali's designs for Alfred Hitchcock's Spellbound.

It is so delightfully surreal.

Oh, so good. So good.

So I am not crazy about the overall design of this film. The design language, I find very incoherent and inconsistent. And inconsistent. But except for inside what they call the Black Fortress. But my point is, and this is circling back also to what I'm wearing, which someday will end up on YouTube, I'm wearing my Disneyland shirt because I refuse to call that the Black Fortress. It's Space Mountain. I'm just like, that is Space Mountain. That descends.

Paul, it is done. It is Space Mountain for the remainder of the podcast.

So I'm wearing my Disneyland shirt with Space Mountain on it.

All right. Let's get on to the alleged plot of this film. Before we do that, actually, Paul, I've become my own Paul Plot. I'm like literally stopping myself from getting to the... Paul, you know, when I think of the totality of this movie, when I think of this movie in its gross anatomy, I can only say one thing. And it is that it is the greatest Valentine to polystyrene ever set on film. Literally, everything in this film is made of Styrofoam. It's amazing. It's like literally the entire movie. Like you can just see the texture of it, different forms. And then they give you these great shots of real places so that you can really discern the presence of the Styrofoam. I mean, it is just a love letter to Styrofoam.

Yeah. It is a constant pendulum swing from lovely locations, exteriors, and then kind of craggly, weird, funky interiors, with a lot carved out of a lot of Styrofoam.

And we'll get to that in a second. And so now the fortress slams down on the land, and now we go to the castle where... I don't know the names of any of these characters. So there's this castle where Alyssa, the princess's dad, lives, and she lives in a different castle, and then she's waiting for her Prince Colwyn. The two kings don't get along, but the prince and princess have brokered and aligned together, which is the only interesting thing in this film politically, if at all.

Yeah, because the... And it's also part of this prophecy that we heard probably too extensively in the open. But yeah, that there's this queen who's gonna choose a king, they're gonna rule Krull. What's interesting...

And they're gonna fight the beast.

They're gonna fight the beast together.

And then their son, again, setting up for a sequel, we're told at the beginning of the film, will rule the universe. I will note, just so I don't forget, at the end of the film, we hear a reprise of the Prophecy, and there's a downgrade.

Oh, yeah, he's gonna rule the galaxy, yeah.

Yes, because at the end of the film, we're told the sun is gonna rule the galaxy.

Which isn't considerable.

I think the Prophet saw the movie and went, you know what?

Ah, we better hedge our bets.

Let's lower the level of difficulty of this one.

Yeah, I just, I found that, I found that incredibly music. But yeah, there's this incredibly stilted also stilted conversation between the daughter, the princess and the king. Yes. That is largely cut away from.

As well as Colwyn and his party.

Colwyn and his party coming to the castle.

Traveling to the countryside.

Yeah, there's so much traveling.

Traveling to the countryside in this movie.

And it's this weird alternate medieval fantasy aesthetic.

Yeah, you know what it reminded me of? It reminded me of Ladyhawk. Remember Ladyhawk? I like the costumes. They all looked like sci-fi costumes. And it really looked like a stormtrooper.

But Ladyhawk was kind of cool looking. Oh, no.

Oh, Pablo.

By comparison.

Oh, Pablo.

No. I will die on the hill that I like the design in this film better than Ladyhawk.

Oh.

Okay.

Oh, hey, whoa.

Okay.

Whoa.

Easy that you.

All right.

I'm surprised.

Colwyn's party arrives and here's the line we used to meet Colwyn. A producer, Brad, can you drop a number two?

I didn't choose this marriage, Charles.

Nor did I, Eric.

I chose it.

Your daughter chose it.

It'll be done. And you'll leave this army with mine against the Slayers.

Whatever army I have, I'll lead against them.

Until I've won or I'm dead.

Okay.

So that's how we meet Colwyn.

Paul.

You know, I search for opportunities to deploy praise.

Yes, indeed.

I'll just say that this is a timely narrative, a commentary about how it's time for maybe old guard, old men leaders in government to step aside and let the younger and pass and hand the baton to a new, younger, more forward-thinking generation to lead us forward in greater unity and less division.

And fighting the beast.

And I appreciate that, yes, and fighting.

And fighting.

Reptilian would-be emperors from outer space. Paul, let's talk about Ken Marshall, okay, shall we? Here's the thing. So, approximately, I don't know, 20 years ago, there was an arc on Star Trek Deep Space Nine with this Starfleet officer named Eddington.

Oh, yes.

Who wound up defecting to the Maquis. And who actually kind of got under Cisco's skin in a really cool way.

Yeah, they do a whole Les Miserables kind of riff.

Right, right.

And Eddington was played by none other than Ken Marshall, who played Colwyn here. And I loved them in Star Trek Deep Space Nine. And ever since producer Brad and I saw Krull, I can't remember if it was at the Campus Theatre or the Briarwood Theatre. So it was in one of those. And Ken Marshall had an Ann Arbor connection because he did go to the University of Michigan, right? I have wondered, because now I know Ken Marshall can be an actor I really like in something, like he was quite good as Eddington. I've wondered about this movie for like forever because his performance, he's not unlikable. He's actually quite handsome. He's rocking the Errol Flynn striped tights. What is happening with this actor here that he's so either, is he a bad actor? Is he an actor? Is the script bad? What's happening here?

I have so many thoughts on this.

I know.

Hit me.

I couldn't have asked for a better-

Layup.

Okay.

Or layup for this.

Hit me, baby. One more time.

Yes. It is well established. He is a very strong actor. I think is Eddington. You said you love him. I love to hate him because he's so just ruthlessly devious and slimy sneaky.

But you agree with it. But you agree with the guy. He sells it.

You're kind of okay with it.

I don't agree with him, but I relate and I understand. And I feel like he's persuasive in terms of us believing that he believes in his convictions and point of view.

Yes, I agree.

And yeah, he's a strong screen presence and he's a very powerful foil for Avery Brooks, who's obviously a legend. But I think that experience can be very beneficial for artists and craftspeople of any kind.

I think I smell what Paul is cooking here. You're saying perhaps he was not ready to handle the lead of a film in 1983?

Well, and also, I don't know that every good actor is necessarily a good lead or a star.

Right, right.

And he certainly is not served with an abundance of generosity when it comes to the material that he's given. But the other inescapable element that is, in retrospect, glaring.

Really?

As much as it is unfair, is that, you know who else you have in this film? Who could have been an incredible lead?

Liam Neeson.

Liam freaking Neeson!

Yeah.

Is right there in this movie, shows up in the second act.

He has a star of Schindler's List, star of Taken, star of Michael Collins. He's like literally one of the-

Qui-Gon Jinn.

Qui-Gon Jinn.

He's even Raj Agul.

He's like, he's Frank Drebin Jr. I mean, it's Liam freaking Neeson. Of course, no one knew that it's Liam freaking Neeson. He was just Liam Neeson. Yeah. But my God, the whole movie, as soon as I saw his credit, and then once he arrived, I just can't help thinking, what if the powers of fate had just slightly shifted?

If Ken Marshall had been beamed to the Star Trek universe earlier, right? Because I will not say a bad thing about Ken Marshall. I like the guy, you know? And I see him, like, I mean, he is trying to make this material work. I see it, you know?

Yes. And as the film says, you know, later, in the words of Freddie Jones, each to his fate. And thusly, this is the movie we have. This is a movie.

By the way, yeah, go ahead.

It is, he does not carry the film.

Sadly, he does not, no.

And that is a detriment to it. But he also, there's not, there's not a lot of chemistry.

No, no.

Between anyone.

Between anyone. There is no, no, no, no, there is more, the chemistry is all in the polystyrene in this film. It literally like, and Lisette Anthony, who was famously like her voice was dubbed over by Lindsay Krause because, but what's really interesting is that I heard, so the director's commentary on the DVD for this movie is really funny because Lisette Anthony is one of the people in the commentary.

Oh, wow.

And she says in the commentary, I believe it was in the DVD commentary, that the head of Columbia Pictures insisted that her voice be dubbed in this movie, but that she got revenge on him because she married his son.

So that's funny.

That's a whole other prophecy.

That's right. And apparently they ruled the galaxy. So anyway, Paul.

Yes. And also, ironically, another savior of the galaxy, Flash Gordon, Sam Jones, similarly had his whole performance dubbed. They should team up. Maybe that's...

The film...

Robbie Coltrane was dubbed in this film, too.

Really?

There's a credit on IMDb, but it sounds like him.

It sounds like Robbie Coltrane.

Here's my question. Would all films be much improved if Lindsey Krause dubbed everybody's voice? You know, like, for example, like Robbie Coltrane in this film or in Harry Potter, you know? Never mind.

Anyway... I wouldn't go that far.

Okay.

Okay. Now, we got to get into the alleged plot of this film. Now, in true Multiplex Overthruster tradition, we are 30 minutes into the podcast, and we are one beat into the film. Not even that. Paul, there's a royal wedding. Colwyn and Lyssa are getting married, but the Slayers, the most lumbering, slow-witted, beautifully designed, but unthreatening creatures in history.

Yeah, I don't think the designs are good. I don't think there's not... Here's the thing. This is a design lesson that could be traced back, but it's one that I've heard repeatedly from Guillermo, is that design iconography needs to be able to be distilled into distinctive silhouettes, so that at a glance, you can contrast the different characters and you can pick them out very quickly.

You don't think that's true of the Slayers?

No. The problem is that the good guy armies, yeah, they're kind of in white, and the bad guys are in black, which is a lazy choice, but in terms of the silhouette, they're over designed. The designs of the arm and everything is just kind of too messy and incoherent, and they're not distinct enough from each other in terms of clear, clean silhouettes. And I just think this is a mess of a design language in this film.

I think the mess is in their weapons, which like one end of their weapon shoots a laser, and then the other end is a blade weapon, and then they kind of have to twirl the weapon to use either side, but then the laser only has like two shots in it, and then they have to kind of turn the weapon over, but then they fire the laser again. It is bizarre. It is.

And just the fact that you've got this medieval kind of weird alt-fantasy thing, but the bad guys shoot lasers.

And Colwin is dressed like Errol Flynn. I mean, he's literally wearing like a jerk-in and the belt and the stripy tights. Anyway, during the fight at the wedding, we do get to see Ken Marshall do, he does get to buckle his swash. He actually swings across the room. And which I wrote the following line, the sword fights in this film are modest, shall we say. All right. So anyway, the Slayers lumbering, though there is one cool thing about the Slayers, which is when they're going up the wall to the castle. They look kind of like the Harkonnens in Dune Part II, when they glide up the side of the hill. They're sort of very like, they sort of have this limited gift of flight that I thought was kind of interesting.

I mean, that's generous. Yes.

Yes. Paul, you know, ever since, you know, Paul, in our last two podcasts, you received, quite graciously, I might add, the Nobel Prize for Generosity. And I'm just trying to get in there.

You're in competition now.

Yes.

I will say the other cool thing about the bad guys is when and how they die.

Oh, yeah, yeah. What happens? Because they're Earthworm Jim. They literally, yeah, there's like a worm that lives in the head of the thing.

Some kind of slug thing that then slithers off.

Yeah, and shrieks horribly.

Yeah, yeah, it's weird. But it's also inexplicable.

No, is there anything in this movie context that just is like, oh, that's weird.

I think, Paul, that's the reason why you and I like, like, look, we ramble. OK, let's not let's not kid ourselves. Do we? I've heard. Let's discuss, Paul. Do we invite ramble?

As producer Brad rubs his eyes.

So, Paul, this movie is hard to get a grip on. It's like, it's like, it's like, this movie reminds me, you know what this movie reminds me of?

Plasma.

Is it a liquid? We don't know. Is it a gas? We don't know. It's plasma. I don't know that's in the stars and it's glowing and shit, but we don't know what it is. It's just plasma. You can't touch the plasma. You can't hold the plasma. It's just sort of this, it's just movie that's happening, you know?

Yeah, I think science has actually determined what plasma is, but yes, I get your point. But anyway, the bad guys crash the wedding, they kill both of the kings, Yeah, they kill everyone. and they abduct Princess Liz.

And then Inir, who actually saw this coming, we do have a cut to Freddie Jones kind of standing in the woods seeing that the Slayers ride their horses, which is weird.

Yeah, because Colwyn is wounded and left for dead.

Yes.

But then Obi-Wan, I'm sorry.

Inir, yeah, of Freddie Jones.

Inir, Freddie Jones arrives conveniently and heals him.

Yes.

And of course, we get the refusal of the call because Colwyn is sad.

And he's more than sad. He's kind of a whiny little punk. Like he is not endearing in this scene.

Let's play clip number three and let the audience decide, shall we?

There is no time now for grief.

You haven't lost a father and a bribe on the same day.

Nor have I become king on that day.

I have no kingdom.

Your kingdom may be greater than you know.

I give it to you, old man, and welcome to it.

I came to find a king, and I find a boy instead.

You know, it's interesting, because this is just so true of this film, where like literally Colwin's trepidation lasts exactly the second after the scene is over, and then he's fine again, you know? And it's like everything in this movie is like, hey, this is a beat from fantasy we need, boop, and it just happens, and then they just get past it, you know?

Yeah, they're... Oh, God.

Now, Paul...

So, no, two thoughts. I'll just... Anyway, first of all, Freddie Jones is awesome.

He is awesome.

He's just... He is making a meal out of everything he's given.

There was no catering for Freddie. He dined on the scenery, my friend.

And he is the MVP of this film.

Also, Paul...

He's just a joy to listen to you.

Here's how Freddie Jones would say your name ready.

Paul Alvarado-Dykstra!

No, no, you gotta hit the R, roll it.

Dykstra!

No, Alvarado.

Alvarado-Dykstra!

Anyway, you go on.

May have a new ringtone. But the other thing is that, yeah, there are setups with no payoffs.

So there are setups with no payoffs.

You have a lead who, again, we have no backstory.

No backstory.

We're creating backstory live.

Yep.

And yeah, he's lost his father. He's lost his, his bride's been abducted.

Yes.

Does he, and all these other like people, his whole squad has been killed.

Everyone's gone, everyone's dead, yeah, all his homies.

Does he carry a burden of grief?

For about 10 seconds, yeah.

The rest of them, no.

No, it doesn't last beyond the scene. No, no. It's insane. The guy is arguably sociopathic in the fact that he is able to shrug off.

I don't see him as sociopathic.

I see him more as being like Guy Pearson Memento, you know, where he just sort of resets after every scene, you know.

That would have been funny if there had been a beat where as part of the healing.

Emhyr gives him a memory condition.

Emhyr basically says, you whiny little bitch, I'm just gonna wipe your mind.

All right, all right, all right.

Of your trauma so that you can get on with the quest. Because at this point, we basically, it's now a quest.

Producer Brad, can you give us clip number four that explains the quest, please?

Let's just hear it.

In the fortress, you will face more than the slayers. You will face the beast who is their leader.

He can be killed.

Perhaps.

But no man has ever seen him and lived. You will need more than men and swords. You will need the power of the glaive.

We don't know. Who made the glaive? The glaive is just a glaive.

We've seen the glaive spinning through the main title.

Yes, and we know that the King's Medallion has the glaive symbol.

The symbol of the glaive. Yeah, and he says basically the glaive is not real. It's just this symbol. It's this thing of myth and legend. So of course, that means it is real. But yeah, so he's like, okay, we've got to go save Lyssa, go to the Space Mountain, and defeat the beast. But to do that, he needs this weapon. He needs this Excalibur. And so he has to go find that. But it's like, oh, just go find it in this mountain.

Paul, this movie, this movie is the epitome of what I call find the thing, get the guy, and go to the place kind of plotting it. Literally, there is no drama in this film. It's sort of like what I call video game plotting, which in video games, it works because you are playing the game. You get to go on the adventure. In movies, video game plotting doesn't work because it has no drama. And it's literally like, okay, so we got to go to the place, find the guy, and get the thing. And you know what they do? They go to the place, and they get the thing.

It's a good illustration of the difference between plot and story.

Exactly, because they spent approximately 32 hours of our time going up this mountain that has like a sort of, it has sort of like a running rock slide going on. It's just rocks are sliding. It's like a stream of rocks. It's just like a rock river.

Yeah, that's the big, like, oh, challenge. Rocks, yeah. He's got to overcome this rock slide. It's kind of a...

The video game. Yeah, it is in fact the first level of the video game.

Yes.

By the way, the Krull video game, the best thing to come out of this movie, I loved it as a kid, is that it had two joysticks, you know? It wasn't like a joystick and a bunch of buttons, it was two joysticks, like Robotron or anyway. So, and my note on this scene is, wow, James Horner is doing a lot of heavy lifting here. Because now, now Colwin gets...

Even he's limited in how much he can carry.

The rocks are made of foam, how much heavy lifting can you do? The rocks bounce amazingly. This is the film of bouncing rocks. Not since The Soldier and The Bouncing Berlin Wall, have we seen Polly Styrene do this amount of acting in a feature film.

The rocks bounce as well as Alex's friend in Flashdance, when she falls on the ice.

She bounces pretty good.

She does. Okay.

And all of this is in service of saying, this film is so fucking boring, guys. And we're having such a hard time even... Okay, anyway.

So yeah, he gets to this mountain, he finds a creepy cave.

You know, in the creepy cave, there's a...

How does he find it? How does he know which one or where to go?

And the creepy cave is a river of what we know to be lava, which is actually glycerin with being lit from below with chunks of styrofoam on top. So it looks like there's...

Is it lava?

It's the exact same way they did lava in Temple of Doom. It's literally...

We think it looks like it's bad lava. But... It's steaming.

You could say that about the entire film, producer Brad.

Yes, but if it's lava, there's no sign that this is an active volcano. Or even an inactive volcano from the geography or whatever.

All I'm saying is, I read it as lava from knowing that this is how you do lava in old timey films with no CGI.

And yet, he's able to reach his hand into it.

Oh no, he doesn't just reach... But he rolls up his sleeve. It's just like, oh shit, I guess I gotta reach into this lava. Don't want my princely garment to be rendered.

Okay, I'm reaching it.

And this is the other thing. As soon as he walks into the creepy cave with the pseudo lava in the red glow, just right there in front of him is the glaive, kind of encrusted in...

It's not like there's a bunch of glaives and one of them is like a mud glaive or a wood glaive or like the glaive of a carpenter. No, and he's gotta choose wisely. No, there's just literally just sitting there.

Yeah, there's no penitent man must pass. There's no challenge. There's no booby traps. There's nothing. There's not even a cool, iconic, mysterious display or setting like the Atlantean sword.

Or like the Chachapoyan temple in The Beginning of Raiders.

Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah, there's nothing. It is so just uninspired and lazy. It's just lazy and it really annoys me.

You know what else there is in the scene? Anyway, moving on. Now we have the glaive and we are running around and we slowly sort of begin to get... As it is with Quaid, we start gathering our D&D party, starting with our minstrel.

But the first... We do get a glimpse of Lyssa in confinement.

Oh, yeah.

In the surrealist, dolly, giant eye.

I genuinely think they shot one scene and it was like two pages long and they just chopped it up and stuck it. Because there's no dialogue in the scene. This will be her running around these dolly like...

Yeah, we periodically intercut to Lyssa, wandering the surreal interiors. And these designs, I think, are really kind of cool.

They are.

Of Space Mountain.

Yeah, sure.

But in this first beat, we get the Beast, because the Beast is aware of the prophecy. He says, you've been brought here for marriage, I'm the king you're going to choose. Because then he gets to rule.

Yes.

And presumably...

Now, you know, I want to just draw a parallel between this film and one of the great classics of our time, which is, of course, the Super Mario Brothers movie. Which, because I have a five and a nine year old, I've seen approximately 8,000 times. In the Super Mario movie, Bowser, the king of the Koopas, does in fact want to marry Princess Peaches. And who would not, right? And the best part is Jack Black voices this character.

Yes, the star of a generation.

Yes. And there's a wonderful scene where Bowser sings a love song on the piano and he's like literally wearing a top hat, you know, the evil king. And he's singing, Peaches, Peaches, Peaches. And wow, this film could have been so improved if the beast had just gone up to a baby grand piano and just kind of like started playing and with this weird beast mouth that looks like some sort of anal prolapse, started singing, uh, Lyssa, Lyssa, Lyssa. I always just made the movie much better. Anyway, I have, Paul, I never thought Krull was a good movie. I don't have that nostalgia for Krull, that you know, oh Krull, but you know what, like I'm like, oh, like remember what it was like at the end of last week's spot, you were like, Krull, we're gonna watch Krull, we're gonna Krull, well, I can tell you right now, I'm like, Krull, oh, Jesus, Krull, what, Krull, oh, Krull, oh, Krull it.

I can't believe we watched this Krulling movie.

I just, I had this really vague sense, and I don't know where it came from, other than maybe just the initial imprinting of the marketing iconography.

Right. Which was-

I had this faint sense that Krull was vaguely cool.

Vaguely, right?

Yeah.

I think we're playing the video game is why I thought that, right?

Maybe that too, but this movie is not cool.

There's nothing cool about it.

It's not cool at all.

Paul, so here's the thing, Inir and Krull are roaming the countryside.

Yeah, so they reunite.

Let's just finish the last bit of exposition here.

Well, he does, so Inir does say, because now he has the glaive, but he does tell him, because apparently this will impact the film's budget, do not use the glaive until you need it.

And he's like, when will I need it? And he's like, oh, you'll know.

You'll know.

You'll know.

The other important bit of exposition to infuse an elaboration onto our plot quest.

Yes. Oh, that's clip number four.

That's clip number four. Producer Brad, please.

The beach sunrise, the Black Fortress moves. Sometimes it is in the mountains, sometimes in the desert, sometimes in the sea. Never the same place twice.

So that's a problem. Because Krull is, if Krull has deserts, seas and forests, it's a big planet. You got to get, it vanishes every day. Where do you go?

My pause there was motivated by the hope that Freddie Jones was going to keep talking. Because I do love listening to him say pretty much anything, no matter how absurd. But yes, it's like, oh, it's kind of like Howl's Moving Castle, except it just teleports with the cycles of the twin suns.

We're here doing this show on StreamYard. That's a platform where we record this show on. And I'd just like to read the little instructions on the chat box as Freddie Jones might read them. Ready?

Chat with everyone in the studio. Messages are cleared after each session. Viewers will not see these messages.

OK, let's go on. So, yeah, by the way, Freddie Jones, sire of Toby Jones, who, in a very different way, has taken over the role of the greatest idiosyncratic character actor in film today. I adore both of them equally.

So the next nugget we need is that, OK, how are we going to find the fortress? We need the blind emerald seer.

The blind emerald seer, yeah, he's going to... So now we've got to find him.

We've got to find the guy and get the thing.

OK.

Yes, exactly, exactly. So we're now traveling through the forest. It's nice and then we're back on the stage and there's water and then...

Like all good D&D parties, we need a magic user. That's the first person we pick up, the first stray we get.

Yes.

And it is...

Fireball careens through the woods. Yes. Crashes into this pond.

And sadly, our magic user is our comic relief. Producer Brad, can you give us clip number six, please? I gotta just...

Let's just do this.

Do you know who I am?

No.

I am Ergo the Magnificent, short in stature, tall in power, narrow of purpose and wide of vision. And I do not travel with peasants and beggars.

Goodbye.

Alrighty then.

I mean, that... that is a good business card.

The thing is, you know, this movie keeps stopping for these alleged character beats, but the thing is, character beats only work if they're wedded to like a propulsive plot that makes you want to know the characters, which is not what we're getting here. So...

Yeah, the introductions are all fairly perfunctory.

Yes, they are.

And they're... Again, they all seem so much of this film feels just arbitrarily constructed to serve the plot.

Yeah.

But missing opportunities to invest in story.

Yes.

So as to make you want to watch the movie, be involved in a film that you are playing in a place that you're at while your eyes are open.

Yeah. Yeah, there are a couple... You know, there are a few little scattered exceptions. But largely, it's that. But the other person we see in this moment observing them unseen is a cyclops.

A cyclops.

Lurking.

Lurking.

A lurking cyclops. By the way, I really like the cyclops in this. I don't... Well, we'll talk more about him. Anyway, but the next people we meet are...

Yeah, because first, because they try to recruit Ergo to go with them. And he says, no, no, no, I'm going to go alone. He goes into the forest alone, encounters the cyclops, and then comes back and runs back to join them because he's scared of the cyclops.

In a piece of comedy relief, that would have been great in a better movie. But Paul, so then we meet the next... Now, every party needs warriors and thieves, so that's the next people we meet. And producer Brad, can you give us a clip number seven, please? This is Colwyn trying to recruit a band of thieves to his cause.

Would you follow a king?

A king? Many lunatics wandering through the countryside claiming to be kings, eh? Would you follow a king to the Black Fortress? Now I know you're a lunatic. I wouldn't follow my own father to the Black Fortress. If he could find it. Not that he'd be foolish enough to do such a thing.

Is it foolish to defend your world?

And to fight for your homes and families? If the invaders conquer, you'll be slaves of the rustics.

Noble sentiments, but we fight for profit.

You know what I mean? And the profit's freedom.

And fame.

Freedom? Well, we have it.

And fame. It's an empty purse. Count it. Go broke.

Eat it?

Go hungry. Seek it and go mad.

I gotta say, though, Alyn Armstrong, who plays, or Alan, or however his name is pronounced, who plays a character named Torquil, who's the guy who soliloquized through most of that.

Torquil, not to be confused with Nyquil.

No, no. Did you find him as somnolent as Nyquil? Did he make you fall asleep like Nyquil?

Only him. Only in moments.

If there are a character named Nyquil whose magical gift is that when he opens his mouth, people just fall asleep.

And maybe their prophecy is to marry the princess Daquil.

Daquil, so that they can bring balance to the world. Yes, balance to the force.

Paul, this is telling you just how little interest there is in this movie that is interesting.

We're bringing our own joy.

It is.

It is. So we are in this polystyrene kind of quarry set. And yeah, there are these ragamuffins.

Yeah, they joined the party and now we got to...

But among them are Liam Neeson, who I think we may have heard a bit of, and Robbie Coltrane.

And Robbie Coltrane. Yeah. It's like literally, it's like, hey, we're watching the Liam Neeson and Robbie Coltrane movie. Ooh, are they the leads? No. No. Not even close. They each get one scene.

Yeah, they get kind of one juicy... All right. A couple, one or two juicy bits in the thing. But yeah, he recruits them, the Cyclops is watching them. And then, again, more travelogue.

More travelogue. Then we meet, we actually meet the Cyclops now, don't we?

Yes.

Okay. So we meet the Cyclops and the Cyclops, God bless. You know, the Cyclops is one of the most wooden characters because the guy has so much goddamn makeup on him. He can barely emote through the makeup. I mean, he looks, and he looks like he's got sort of a deformity, like, like, like the problem with the Cyclops is you got to build up over the person's face. So the front of the top of the person's head looks much larger than the bottom of his head, right? And the Cyclops has had one really nice scene here, because the Cyclops doesn't he save Ergo's life or something?

Yes, he saves Ergo because Ergo, and I will again, to the film's credit, I am, I am searching for any opportunity to connect Yeah, go get that Nobel Prize for generosity.

Go, go, go.

to connect with these characters. And Ergo is motivated by snacks.

Yes.

And this speaks to me. And so he notices some berries. And so he stops as the party is going through the whatever and to pick some berries. But then he's attacked by a wayward, wayward slayer. But just in time, Cyclops comes in and saves him from the slayer.

Cyclops is a really cool weapon. It's like a trident that he throws, right? It's like a three.

Yeah, or a bident. Yeah, this is kind of two. And he's very good at this. And then again, we get obligatory exposition for Manir explaining some of the intricate eccentricities of the life of a Cyclops, which includes that they have a very particular psychic ability to see their future death. Yes, yes. And that that is something they are burdened with the knowledge of. And that's about it.

That's about it. You do get a nice moment with the Cyclops where Ergo introduces... Can we hear clip number eight, producer Brad?

I am Ergo.

The Magnificent.

Hasn't he got a name?

His name is Rel.

He visits the sea sometimes. He doesn't speak much.

So I've noticed, except to be sarcastic to people who wish to be friends.

Or Jest, with those who already are his friends.

My name is no Jest Beanpole. It's all very well to have a short name when you're 20 feet tall, but small people need large names to give them weight.

Your actions give you weight, my friend. I saw you save the boy from a spear.

Well, that's what friends are supposed to do for each other.

Quite so.

You know, everyone...

We're nowhere near that clip yet.

I-I-I don't care.

We're nowhere near that clip. I don't care.

I don't even know what we're doing.

Are we going back?

No, that's not. Please, like...

Well, we haven't met the seer yet. You skipped over the whole thing with the seer and how they meet the kid, Ted.

He's... Isn't he... Isn't he... Yeah, no, you're right. Okay, so, look...

It's kind of important.

Is it?

Is anything important?

There's nothing in this film that's important.

Nothing matters that happens in this...

So they're wandering in here.

Yeah, they're wandering.

They find this portal through this rock wall. They enter this cave dwelling. They find this seer, this ancient green-cloaked guy sitting in the circle with all these things that look like emeralds.

Tort Kull tries to steal some emeralds and they're not there. And then when they leave the cave, they turn into rocks because he's greedy, whatever.

Yeah. And then the seer basically has this palantir, emerald that he can try to look and find the black fortress, Space Mountain. But the beast has the power to basically stop them. To hack.

He can hack into his vision, yeah.

Yes, he has like these cyber security defenses that allow him to then destroy the seers.

He's got like psychic McAfee, you know.

Palantir, yes. And so it's like, well, crap, this was their one chance to find the black fortress with the seer. What are they going to do? But then the seer says, there's one place his power cannot reach, the Emerald Palace. So now we got to go.

Again, now we got to go to the place.

Which is in a swamp.

Now we got to go to the place to find the thing so we can get the guy.

Right.

Yeah. So then they're ambushed by slayers in the swamp and it's important. So we heard the voice of this boy, this young boy named Titch, I believe.

Who is the seer's catamite.

Yeah.

Or something.

I mean, no, come on. It's a little boy who lives with an old blind wizard. I mean, come on.

It's his apprentice. But he also refers to him as his family. So maybe it's his grandfather. But we don't know, just like we don't know Hannah's relationship to Alex.

Catamite, catamite. Sorry, Google.

In the swamps, a bunch of slayers attack. Then that's where the Cyclops rail comes to their aid and joins the party. And then where we have the interaction.

And then the Cyclops, the Trident. And that's where we see this worm leave the slayer's mind. And then we're in the swamp for what appears to be the length of my children's lives.

There's so much. There's one little bit that I like. And I didn't grab this clip. But they're sharing, they're bonding over... It's not quite an I want song.

Is this before the...

Is this before the 15 minute... It's right before the quick...

It's right before the quick send. Where Ergo says he's craving gooseberry pie. And first he's like, oh, I want the gooseberry pie, the size of a mountain. And then it's like, oh, maybe just a house. And then Titch, this is a good, important setup. One of the few setups that has a payoff in this film. The little boy Titch says he wants a puppy. The little boy wants a puppy. And then Ergo says, well, if you had a wish, why wouldn't you wish for a hundred puppies? And Titch says, I only want one. And it's really sweet.

It's like this is...

It's finally a human moment in here. But then with the punchline, Ergo asks Rell, the Cyclops, what does he want? And he says, I want ignorance.

Ignorance. Which by the way, a sentiment shared by everybody watching this film.

Yes, yes. So there's another intercut with Lyssa in Space Mountain. She's in Space Mountain. But yeah, but then there's Travelogue, and then finally the quicksand that we've all been warned of in our Gen X youth.

Yes.

It's here in full force.

And again, it is like, it is the world's least inspiring and thrilling quicksand. It takes them approximately five hours to get out of it.

And they lose an unnamed member of their party.

Yes, just to show that it means business. Because the land turning to quicksand is the beast's power, Ynir tells us.

Sure.

Sure. I don't fucking know. And while that's going on, then also a changeling. So we find, now we find that the beast has another heretofore unexplained and unexplored power, that it can send changelings out into the land to trick people. So the old wizard has apparently been, well, we don't know. Rell finds the body of the old wizard, of the Emerald Seer. And the Emerald Seer is going toward Colwyn, and he's...

Later.

Really?

This hasn't happened yet?

Oh, Paul.

Well, no. First we get... This is actually a really cool kind of little scene. Where the seer, the doppelganger changeling of the seer, sneaks up behind the actual seer.

The actual seer, right?

And then reveals the claw, and then presumably kills him and replaces him.

Yeah, his fingernails grow, they turn black and they grow, and then he just kind of claws the back of your neck and kills you, yeah.

It's kind of cool, and so then they're proceeding towards the castle in the swamp, whatever.

Something.

But conveniently, Rael the Cyclops is stationed behind them to guard their flank, to make sure no one's following them. But that gives him the opportunity to then discover the slain body of the actual slayer, and realizing that that was the false, an imposter, and so then he races to go save him because he's going to try to kill Colwin, and comes very close to doing it.

And then just as the fake Emerald Seer is about to put the whammy on Colwin with his black fingernails, the Bident flies into frame. By the way, that takes a really long time to fly into frame. He throws it, and then Colwin's dying, and you get another shot of the Bident flying, and then more shots of Colwin dying, and then the Bident flies a little more. It's like the Bident was actually on like a nonstop flight between Chicago and New York, you know? So anyway, the Bident kills the shapeshifters here, and he dies kind of ugly, it's cool. He like, he blows up like a tick, and his skin turns black, and he just kind of dies.

Yeah, they spent some money on that prosthetic and make up effects sequence. But then poor Titch, the boy, is sad, because he's like, he was my only family. And then I think Ergo or Colwin says, we're your family now.

Yes, yes.

And so they basically adopt him.

Completely unearned, beat of chosen family.

Yeah, so now it's like, okay, how are they gonna find the Black Fortress now?

Oh no, oh no, we can't go to the place to find the guy.

Because they can't go to the Emerald Palace because the seer is dead, and he's the only one who knew the way. And then, conveniently, Ergo is, ah, there is one who might help the widow of the web.

Yes, yes.

Dun, dun, dun.

Dun, dun, dun. So anyway, it turns out, it turns out that Ineer's ex-girlfriend, well, of course he doesn't tell us this, but Ineer's ex-girlfriend happens to know the way, Ineer didn't know this. And let's hear clip number nine. I don't even know if clip number nine is germane to this conversation, but I kinda don't care anymore. Is that weird that the movie Krull has just unleashed my ferocious apathy? Clip number nine, let's hear it.

Now, we have no way to find the Black Fortress.

There is one who might help.

Who?

The widow of the Web.

That creature helped no one, and none who go there return.

She has great powers to kill. She may not kill me, for I know her name.

Her name is Death.

She had another name once. An ancient and powerful name.

Okay, so here's two things. One of them is, first of all, I think I had this exact same dialogue with a man who dated Cher.

Two.

Two. Oh, come on, that was a funny...

Cher's supposed to be really nice.

I liked Cher. That was a funny joke. I don't fucking know. Anyway. No, okay, never mind. Maybe we should just cut that. I don't know.

Oh, we're leaving it at that.

I am so struggling with this film. I cannot get a handle on any of it. Anyway, I love how he near speaks like when he goes, oh, there's one who knows. It's like, oh, shit, I've been keeping this information about my ex in the hopes that we wouldn't have to go there. But I guess I got to go see my ex now. It's kind of funny if you went once you realized that that's what was going on, hearing Freddie just going like, oh, I guess we've got to go see Tiffany.

The filmmakers, or at least the writer, clearly have ex issues because we get kind of a double dose of exes introduced.

That's right.

In quick succession.

Yes, we do.

First, however, as there's a nice little beat, a payoff, because ergo it's been established.

He can shapeshift.

He can shapeshift too.

He thinks that he's got the ability to turn other people into animals.

But he said he can only turn himself into an animal.

But they backfire on himself. So actually when we first meet him, he tries to turn Colwin into a fat goose or something. It backfires. He turns himself into one of the robots. It's kind of dumb. But he turns himself into a cute beagle puppy for tits.

I believe it's a basset hound, my friend.

Oh my god, a basset hound puppy. Yeah.

Anyway.

But it's sweet. And then a little titch. No one questions or ask, where did this puppy come from in the swamp? But it's just a nice moment. But yeah, then they enter the forest again. Suddenly they have their horses again.

Yeah.

Like horses appear and disappear.

No, this is one of the spontaneous equine generation is one of the many magical properties of the forest in Krull.

Yeah, but Aenear then says he has to go alone. So he leaves them behind in the camp.

He doesn't want to introduce anyone to his ex-girlfriend. He's no dummy.

But then what is that tee up after we've heard the story of his ex?

Right. So it turns out Liam Neeson's character has seven wives, one in every town.

Seven or eight.

Seven or eight. Yes, that's right. And one of them is Mareth. And she just happens to live in a village close by.

So they... Because they're all hungry. And so they're like, who can feed us? And then he's like, oh, well, one of... It doesn't... One of your exes was in your pot.

So it turns out that suddenly ex-girlfriends are the problem... are the solution to every problem at this point in the film Krull.

Yeah.

So that's great. And so while the men go and feast... And Mareth, by the way, no problem making these people a feast. Like, she literally just cooks them up a feast. She goes to the forest and brings all her cooking supplies, by the way. It sounds like she says, okay, come into my hut, and I'll make you some stew. It's pretty instant. It's like she literally like carts all the shit back out into the clearing. She's got a campfire, she's got a pot, she's making stuff, yeah.

We don't know how long Aenear's journey is to the Black Widow, whatever, back, but yeah, it's kind of impressive that this woman...

By long, I think I know exactly how long it takes. It takes approximately 18 days because they show it in real time. And look, Freddie Jones is shockingly spry. Look, I don't know, this is England in the 80s. Like the guy who played the first doctor who looked like he was 138 years old when he died, it turns out he was 58. Because like, you know, just because he lived through the war and the food and the shortages and all that stuff, so he was in great shape, you know. So Freddie Jones is that generation. I don't know how Freddie Jones is. He could be 98 years old or he could be 40, exactly. It's like a Richard Burton 40. It's Welsh Minor 40, you know. But anyway, shockingly, considering how not spry he was in Firefox where he just seemed to be having difficulty getting the words out and he sweated a lot, he seems pretty spry here. He gets, while he's gliming the web to the wind...

He was about 55, 56.

He's my age.

Good for him.

That man is my age.

Do I look like Freddie Jones in this movie?

No, he looks like he's pushing 7.

All right, no, because it's like...

Let's put you on a web and see how you do.

Oh yeah, oh yeah.

He's unexpectedly nimble in the film.

He finally gets into...

And he spends approximately 8 hours... By the way, it's a really cool set and there's a stop motion animated glass spider that's really cool in this whole sequence. Because you have to avoid the glass spider that's going to eat you, and you get to the widow. And when you get to the widow, while the men are feasting with Marith's food, you find... Oh, this is the Dune reunion. It is so... It's not even a reunion because Dune hasn't been made yet. It's a pre-union, my friend. It is Thufir Howitt and Lady Jessica, Freddie Jones and Francesca Annis. Oh, my God. And they have a scene in this film which like every scene in this film is a trope from this genre that is dropped in and given to actors of reasonable competence in the hopes that it will achieve some resonance.

I was young when I last heard that name.

I was young when I last spoke it to you. And my face was as beautiful as my name. And I loved you, Nyssa, with all my heart.

I mean, I mean, you know.

And that's kind of how this whole scene goes. It's these two theater actors.

It's just emoting.

Who are just trying to make the most of this material and elevate it, but it is underbaked. So underbaked. But there is a cool mythic, tragic love story buried underneath it.

It would have been a much better movie than Krull.

Quite executed well.

No, yeah, it's great.

But yeah, but from the moment, so when he enters the cave, he announces himself. He's like, I seek the widow. And then he's told, enter here and die. But he is, he is undeterred and ventures in and does this, like, yeah, this act of daring do. But yeah, the scene, we get all this exposition, backstory, revelation, which is that.

Oh, they had a baby.

They had a baby.

They had a baby who died.

That he did not know that he did not know about.

Yes, go and hear you dog.

After he left her. Yes. Turns out she had, they had a son and he didn't know. And then she killed the son.

Yes.

As part of her grief for an ear leaving her. Because she couldn't take her pain out on him.

I thought it was that their son was going to rule the universe and she didn't.

No, it's not. I don't know. But also, a thing here that is not underlined as much as it should be, I guess maybe from the prophecy at the beginning, is that the queen is going to choose a king and then blah, blah, blah, is of an ancient name.

Right.

And so the spider widow has...

Oh, she and the queen have the same name, Lyssa.

They have the same name, Lyssa. And so when first we hear this, like, because it's built up, like, oh, he knows her secret name. I'm like, wait, it's the same name as Lyssa? Yes. Like, yeah, that's the kind of the whole point. Yeah. But it's not quite set up and paid off well enough.

But would it be even funnier if he goes, hello, Petunia?

Yeah.

But also he's saying it's an ancient name of great power.

And the name is Lyssa.

That's like, really?

No offense.

No, no, it's a little bit of a Long Island kind of quality.

But anyway, so she is basically imprisoned in the center of the spiderweb as her punishment, I guess, for eternity or something.

Yeah, something. Yeah.

And but she has the he knows she has the power to figure out where the Black Fortress is. But to do that, she needs to turn this hourglass that in near will die when the sand runs out that contains her life. But the thing is, she's this is where this gets too convoluted.

You know what this reminds me of? It reminds me of the Lego movie when Morgan Freeman's character is making up prophecies.

You know, he's just like, oh, and the character will do this.

And they're like, you just made that up.

I did not. And it's like, I don't know.

Yeah, yeah, it's so kind of shoehorned in.

It's just like, oh, and there's more to them.

Because in order for him to reach the center of the web and avoid being killed by the giant glass spider that is stalking him, she turns the hourglass to basically freeze time for the giant. Yes, glass spider. So that's how he's able to reach her and not die.

The game mechanics of this prophecy is very fussy, yeah.

But then we get the reveal that she can only turn that hourglass over once a day, or she dies.

You know what this reminds me of? If you remember in Galaxy Quest when Sigourney Weaver is having that meltdown over the thing in the ship that keeps closing, and they have to time it so that they get without getting these forces, that piece of equipment serves no purpose. It is useless. Why is that there? Did writers design this ship?

And it's the same thing with this prophecy.

And it's also like, wait a minute, okay, so you use the hourglass for this one thing, but then you also use it for this other thing, which is to have a vision or get the knowledge of where the Black Fortress is.

But then when that sand runs out in here, it's gonna die.

Well, this is the other thing. So then it's not only like, oh, I know where the Black Fortress is, she sees into the future. And she's able to tell him where the Black Fortress is going to be tomorrow morning, to give them time to reach it, ostensibly. But by doing that, it's gonna cost her life. And then the only way she can help him escape, because now the spider is free, is that she has to shatter the hourglass and then give in near the sand. And now somehow, that's gonna absorb his life. And then when the sand runs out from his clutches, from him holding it in his fist, Paul, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, if you can use that to freeze the spider, then he is going to die.

Then he's gonna die.

And I'm like, why is he gonna die?

What does that have to do with him?

It doesn't make any sense.

It doesn't make any sense.

It's so arbitrary, but it's just a way of like, oh, we gotta start killing characters.

Meanwhile, meanwhile, the beast has taken Queen Lyssa to Clawtown, as I like to call it, because literally the set looks like a giant inverted claw floating in space. And Merith, and he says that to Shapeshifter, in the shape of Merith, Deuce Colwyn.

There's this mysterious additional woman who has arrived with Liam Neeson's ex-wife.

Yes, right, right. Yeah, yeah, that's what she said.

And who is assisting her with the feast for the people.

You're like, who is that? And she explains to Liam Neeson that it's some orphan that she took, it's some orphan who looks like a vogue model, but whatever. She took her in, you know.

And then she thinks, accuses Liam Neeson as like, got the hots for her. And then he's like, no, no, no, I'm going to lie to you. I'm fully faithful, even though she clearly does not know of his other-

Nine wives, yeah. So-

And again, and this thing with Liam Neeson, he doesn't have a lot to do in this film, but what he does-

He's charming, he's Liam fucking Neeson. He's Liam Neeson.

He should be the star of the movie.

He's not even just Liam, he's like young Liam Neeson. So he's not even as, you know, it's, anyway.

He's really good looking. But yes, but then it's, but then it's revealed. Yeah, because we intercut to Surrealist Space Mountain, and the Beast is finally now speaking directly to Lyssa, who sees him, and of course, she's repulsed, but it turns out to woo her, she can take, she takes the form of a red-eyed Colwin.

So here's the thing, the Beast is basically telling Lyssa, hey, look, your boyfriend's gonna cheat with Orphan McCorfinny, right?

Because it's a setup, because he sent the...

He sent the shapeshifter, yeah. Does the Cyclops kill this shapeshifter, too? How does this shapeshifter die? I can't even, I don't even know. Anyway, but then Queen Lyssa's like, look, Beast, I'm not gonna marry you. Your mouth looks like an anal prolapse. I'm not doing this. And the Beast goes like, I can choose a shape you'd find pleasing. And he turns into Colwin, but with blazing red eyes. And she's like, no, I'm not into that, dude.

It's not about how you look. It's like there's still no love there. So she's trying to explain the concept of love to this monster.

Yeah, and that's not good. And then Colwin, now, how does the shape-shifter who's trying to seduce Colwin, is that the Cyclops throwing the bident again?

I think the Cyclops, yeah, yeah, saves.

You know, literally, I have a note here that says, Deus ex Rel, because literally, like, these heroes do nothing other than get in trouble, and then Rel shows up with the bident and saves them. That's, and it happens two more times in the movie. Anyway, look, Ynir shows back up, and it's funny, because Paul, when he shows up, and we're in an indoor set, and he shows up, and the moment he stumbles over a rock, the rock breaks, and you can see the polystyrene. You can see that the rock is white underneath and this is polystyrene. Anyway, Ynir dies, tells us that the castle...

Just as the last of the sand is slipping out through his fingers.

And replaced by polystyrene, he tells us that the castle is going to be in the dune sea of the Tatooine Desert or some shit like that, and then he dies. And look, we have a real problem here, because how do you get to the castle that's in a desert or in a forest? And of course, the answer is, Paul?

Fire mares.

The fire mares, because they just have fire mares. So now, we got to get to the place, but to get to the place, we got to find the thing, and the thing is the fire mares.

Because otherwise, there's no way they'll make it in time by morning. So they need some method of transit.

That is Swift.

That basically gives them hyperspeed.

Yes.

And what better way to do that than fire mares?

Fire mares. And so this is the setup of like, oh my God, what are fire mares going to be? And we've seen some really cool imaginative fantasy creatures of rapid transit, such as in The Dark Crystal.

Yes, the Striders, the Land Striders, yes.

The Striders, the Land Striders. And so we're expecting like, oh, what are they going to save for us?

Or by the way, the jet cycles from Return of the Jedi, the speeder bikes. I mean, come on.

Yeah, yeah.

We were ready to see some real shit finally. We're like, OK, let's. And by the way, Peter Yates, director of Bullet.

You said jet cycles?

Jet cycles? You know what? I'm turning into like a grandfather. It's so weird.

This movie has done things to both of us.

I don't. I don't even. So anyway, so so. So we're going like, is it going to be Shai Hulud? You know, are they going to get it? Because, you know, like, like we just saw something. And Lady Jessica talking about sci-fi fantasy. Yeah. By the way, my note during the scene in the web, by the way, was Horner rips off Genesis Countdown completely during the during. Anyway, so yeah. So now. So, guys, so we get to the so we get to the place to find the thing, the fire mares and they are their horses, mares, their big, like just horses.

Are they Clydesdales? I don't know.

They're just like mares, big horses.

They're just horses that they have to wrangle.

And it's such a letdown.

And they spend approximately 22 minutes wrangling them. It goes on for fucking ever. And so they just them with lassoes.

Yeah. And saddling them. But then when they ride the mares... Yeah, but Rael has to stay behind.

Because apparently, Rael knows this...

It's his time to die.

Which, what's he gonna do? Is he gonna die of a heart attack?

Which again, makes no sense. Which is like, why doesn't he go with them anyway?

They're not in extremis. There's no fighting going on.

Oh, it's my time to die.

What, just standing there?

Okay, Rael, what else?

It's all shoehorning, a device in for a later thing that the plot demands and it's...

And then we ride the fire mares and it's just a lot of really bad blue screen compositing of fire on top of mares.

Because, yes, it's basically horses whose hooves...

Generate fire while they go really quick.

And they fly, and they fly, and they fly, though.

Yeah, and also, they set fire...

They ride the fire mares off a cliff.

And they set fire to everything in their path.

This is the world's least convenient animal. Hey, call the mares. No. Oh, great. There goes the farm, Floyd.

Thanks.

Yeah, there goes this year's crops.

Oh, well.

Who invited the fire mares?

Oh, well.

And then also, these horses can fly.

They can fly.

They fly across a canyon.

Yeah, they ride them off a cliff, and they just and they just fire off.

It's so not cool.

There is nothing. It is not an ET moment.

And it goes up for fucking ever.

Anyway. OK.

There's no poetry in all of this. But they they get to they race to the Black Fortress. They've got to get inside before the Twin Suns rise. And the fortress is about to rise.

Exactly. And they're about to. So they're trying to get in the Black Fortress. The Black Fortress is dematerializing. There's a lot of polystyrene in the Black Fortress, my friends. It's very dangerous. And just as they're trying to enter, but just about to be crushed by the giant sliding stone doors of the fortress.

Well, the Slayers are attacking. The Slayers in defensive positions shooting lasers at them. And take out one of them. And so they're pinned down.

And there's a big sliding door made of rock that's going to close.

Yes. And they can't get in. They're not immune to lasers. But you know who seemingly is immune to lasers?

Rell the Cyclops.

Rell the Cyclops, who rides in.

Rides in in a fire mirror.

After he stayed behind for no apparent reason.

He thought he was going to have a deadly stroke just standing there, but he decided, fuck it.

This is the other thing. He's got this psychic ability to know when he's and how he's going to die. So maybe it was just like, oh, I just I need to delay because I don't die at that place. I can't get there too early.

So I've got to.

That he's going to die, just not how. I don't fucking know.

Anyway, I think he knows it all.

But anyway, so he goes in. He's immune to laser somehow. So he is their shield.

Yeah.

As they he leads.

He literally he holds the the the sliding door open and then he gets crushed by the sliding door.

But also on the way up, poor Robbie Coltrane is shot.

Yes. Yes.

And he gets a death scene. He he says because he has been skeptical this whole time.

Yes.

That's his character is saying I was wrong. The journey was worthwhile. Finish it.

Yeah. And then he dies.

He dies. And then and then and then Rell is holding the door open so they can go all get in.

He gets crushed by the door.

But then yes, he sacrifices himself. And that is how this poor bastard Cyclops dies.

And it's this one very big this one mechanically closing eye. Yeah.

And it's just as a twin suns rise. And then the Black Fortress teleports.

And now Colwin and the remainder of his people are in.

Now we're inside the Death Star.

And by the way, and it is literally like, it is so tedious, Paul. The final assault on this Death Star is literally like, it's just one polystyrene corridor after another. There is one weird sort of vaginal corridor that sort of encloses around you like that, but that's neither here nor there. They fight some slayers. Anyway.

Yeah. A couple of members of the party die. Liam Neeson gets shot.

The floor split open and Torquil and some other people get...

Yeah, they get separated.

What happens is that, so Colwin finds his way to the weird room where Lyssa is and he takes out the glaive and he hurls it at the enclosure and then the glaive kind of... The glaive reminds me of like if Dr. Strangest Cape had a head injury because it does have kind of a will of its own. So it just sort of hovers kind of like a buzzsaw. Like it's less cool than Yo-Yo Buzzsaw Guy from Octopussy, but it just sort of hovers in the air kind of just chipping away at the enclosure that Lyssa is at while Colwin holds out his hand. It's all very not cool weapon at all.

It's very slow. Very slow. And it's...

And we keep cutting back to Torquil and his men who apparently are being run through by spikes.

Oh yeah, they're in basically the trash compactor, but it has all these spikes and one of the guys gets impaled.

Yeah, it's an intercut trying to create drama, but it's like everything is just so slow.

And there's nothing that's made us invested in these characters.

Not in the least, not in the least.

Ergo and Tit, who were separated when that war split, they get confronted and cornered by a bunch of slayers and Ergo turns into a tiger.

Yes, and he scares the slayers away.

Which is kind of cool.

And you know, by the way, this movie Willow is famously the first movie where the effect we now know as the morph happened, right? And it was very similar to this. It's actually a magic user turning himself into different animals.

Yeah.

The morphs here, because they were optical, not computer, they weren't actually half bad. They look kind of cool.

No, they're not bad. They're very simple. They don't try to over-re-sell it or over-do it, but it works. It's pretty run-of-the-through, but it's good.

A movie also scored by James Horner and shares many themes in common. But it shares many themes in common with Krull. Anyway, with Krull.

So, the rotary saw keeps spinning and spinning at the glave, and finally it slices through the prison chamber where this is. They reunite, and they kiss, but we kind of don't care that much.

Who gives a shit, yeah.

And because literally they have about as much chemistry as like a tree stump and an Irish setter. Like if you were watching two hours of an Irish setter humping a tree stump, you get more chemistry than Colwyn and Lysa. It is not good.

I was thinking of another bodily function that the dog would be able to re-stump.

Oh yeah, that's true.

Yeah, no, no.

Anyway, that's how in Congress it is.

I don't want to get too personal as far as what Colwyn and Lysa's kinks are.

So Bardolph is being killed by the Spikes. Who the fuck is Bardolph?

No, Bardolph.

No, I'm like, his name is Bardolph. Fuck it. Anyway, the beast. So Colwyn is fighting the beast by throwing the glaive at it.

First, he causes a cave-in to try to block the beast from being able to come in.

Does he?

Okay, cool.

All right.

You miss the cave in a polystyrene rock.

Of course not.

He keeps throwing the glaive over and over.

He begins to try to corral the-

It's pointless.

Pointless.

And of course, it doesn't stop the beast. And so now we have the big showdown with the beast.

Yeah.

And-

Big surprise. The beast can kind of- They have that show-off, standoff where one wizard has one ray of light and the other one's another and they meet in the middle. Except it's not as cool as that because it's just the glaive is in the middle and they're both kind of sort of controlling it. I don't fucking know. But finally, Colwyn is able to like- You know how like when that battle is going on, one wizard has one ray of light? Like it's in all these- It's in any movie with a wizard. It's in Harry Potter and Star Wars and the beam's being in the middle. And then they-

We're not there yet.

And then it's really about who makes the most constipated face. That's what that standoff is really about is whoever can make the most constipated face gets to absorb the energy, right? So Colwyn and the- I know you say we're not there, I don't care.

Because Colwyn dispatches, finally dispatches the beast with the glaive, or so he thinks. And then he tries to use the force to summon the glaive back.

He makes the most constipated face because the beast can't emote because its mouth is in anal prolapse. So the glaive gets stuck in the beast, and the beast appears to retreat or some such thing, right?

Well, no, no, no, no, no. Because then he's like, well, then he's got to go pull the glaive out of the beast's carcass manually.

That's so dangerous.

And he goes, and of course, what happens, the beast awakens, still impaled by the glaive in his chest. And then the attack comes again.

Oh, for shit's sake.

And Colwin and Lyssa flee, because now they don't have a weapon.

Yes.

So how are they possibly going to battle and defeat the glaive? And Lyssa says, Colwin, it's not the glaive, it's you.

Lyssa, it's us.

It's us he can't defeat.

It will not return to me, except from the hand of the woman I choose as my wife.

All right.

Yeah. So there's the thing in the wedding with like the fire, the holy water thing, but then they can turn into fire. And then they were like, that's how they whatever. And then, and then now Colwyn is a, and so she now he's, and now he's, he's fire starter.

Yeah. Now he's pyrokinetic and now he's shooting fire from his hand at the beast.

So the beast, special effects wise is not bad when they have their palm.

Yeah.

And the fires in their palms, their palms, so the fire matches the movement. It was really good.

Yeah.

No, the optical compositing of that is well done.

Yeah.

Producer Brad, I think you make a good point here and so does Paul Alvarado-Dykstra, which is that the VFX work on this movie is actually like pretty great. And when you look at the credits, it's Derek Meddings who did all the VFX for like all the Bond movies in the 70s and the 80s and all that.

It was really good.

You know?

Yeah.

Yeah. For analog optical effects not done by Industrial Light and Magic in 1983, this movie is a pretty sharp looking VFX show. All of which is to say they use fire, they burn the beast, the castle starts breaking up, and then they take about an hour to escape the-

Colwens becomes a human flamethrower and just immolates the beast to death.

And the audience.

Yeah. And then Torquil and his buddy are freed. Ergo, still a tiger, is wounded and attended to. And then they all unite, all hell breaks loose as, again, we've seen this before, the fortress starts disintegrating around them, as they try to escape. And they fleece, a space mountain disintegrates, and it disintegrates into the sky.

Yeah. You know, Paul, this brings me back to Flashdance. Do you remember when you said, you know, like, she jumps? Well, because she does that jump. She does that great leap at the end of Flashdance, right? Yeah. And they never show you the landing, right? They just come straight to her leaving the... So here's what Krull does. Krull shows us the landing, and then it shows us Jennifer Beals putting her clothes back on and then negotiating the gauntlet of ballerinas waiting outside the hallway. It's like literally, if Jennifer Beals landing, putting her clothes back on, leaving the Dance Academy were some sinulating thing, because literally it's like he kills the beast, then the fort starts being destroyed, then they run through every corridor in the fort together. It goes on for about a half hour. It's like literally kill the beast, cut to outside. We don't care. Much like Jennifer Beals leaping through the air, cut, they leave, they're outside already. It doesn't matter. We know they're going to survive. The beast is dead. The fortress is not going to collapse on them.

Just get on with it.

Do I quibble with this or not? Yes, I will. So I think that's false equivalence, because we saw Colin defeat the beast. OK, we saw him defeat the beast.

Are you calling me out on the false equivalence between Krull and Flashdance? Do go on.

Yes, I am. But we are denied, we are denied the sight of Alex definitively defeating the judging panel and sticking the landing of her routine and not dropping the ball or fumbling it after it's been set up.

So you do not believe that metaphorically, her flight is proof of her victory?

No, because it has been previously well established that even with a strong start. And the comic, that any of these dream adventurers can crash and burn and fail.

Proving once again that the movie we did last week is more interesting for us to discuss than anything going on in Krull.

Yeah, it's a more satisfying and cohesive fantasy adventure.

It sure is, it sure is.

By the way, there is, anyway, let's just, Paul, producer Brad.

Oh, there's one little nugget, one little nugget, let's hear it. Because Ergo has finally awakened, he's been unconscious.

That's right.

Since he was wounded as a tiger, he's now back in human form. They've escaped the fortress that is now disintegrated into the sky. He's kind of been vacuumed up into the heavens. And he awakens and tries to process what's going on and says this.

You are his queen?

Yes.

Then we won.

Yes.

Oh, boy.

I should have stuck to puppies.

Okay.

I guess you.

And that's it.

That's it. And then we get a reprise of Jeffrey Jones' VO from Beyond.

Yes.

Rewording the prophecy to downgrade Colwin and listen to the sun.

He's like, I'm agreeing with this guy about the puppies. We're going to have, let's just have him rule the galaxy.

Yeah, that's enough.

That's enough.

But again, it seems like an in vain attempt to summon a sequel that will never materialize.

Producer Brad, does this film have any lasting cultural impact?

Well, first, as Paul kept mentioning Space Mountain, Wikipedia says that James Horner's music was listed as part of the ambience music for Space Mountain in Paris. Now, there's no confirmation that it was used, but it was listed in the press materials before the ride was over.

Wow.

Wow.

See?

I mean, that seems...

Okay, there you go.

That's plenty of confirmation enough for me.

They couldn't get the rights to Star Trek 2. I love it. So, is that our lasting cultural impact? Paul, do you have any lasting cultural... I mean, there's been jokes about Krull.

I will say, ever since our leisure industries limited or whatever credit last summer, I'm always on the lookout for a good company credit. Did you, by chance, take note of who the copyright to this film is assigned to at the very end of the credits of this film?

IG Farben, the makers of... I don't know who.

It is Barclays, Mercantile, Industrial Finance Limited.

Wow. Which, by the way, what combination of words could better express the artistry and passion that everyone involved brought to this film?

Exactly. Exactly. I think that kind of says it all. It's about why this is like, oh, this paint by numbers sort of construction that these people thought, oh, we're gonna make this mashup of these hit fantasy and sci-fi movies together. We're just gonna follow the same beats and we're gonna make a shit ton of money.

Everyone of these films is just...

How hard can it be?

It all proves the genius of George Lucas, doesn't it? Like literally, look, George Lucas has been in our culture for so long now and it's just very easy to not, like just, ah, whatever, Star Wars, was it that great? Whatever, yes, it was. It really was. All of them were. And watch Krull if you don't agree that Star Wars is great. Paul, there is one lasting cultural impact of this film that I've been not talking about, but the weapon...

Dare I, dare I say, if I can brave a paraphrase and quote my co-host, do go on.

The hero weapon in The Dark Crystal, Age of Resistance, which forms the central quest for that is in fact called the Dual Glaive, because of my admiration of this film. So there you go.

When one glaive is not enough.

It's a dual glaive.

You need a dual glaive.

And it looks nothing like a bladed starfish. It looks like a blade.

Well, sometimes they get stuck.

You need another one.

True. You know, I think I learned my lesson from Colwyn. You don't want to go back and get it off the beast's back. You don't know if it's really dead. You get another one.

It's done.

It's done. What else does he need?

That's right. You get another glaive in case.

Anyway, final thoughts.

I have none. I've been robbed of the capacity for thought by this film.

It's one of those films you remember and then you watch it. It goes, oh, yeah, that's why I haven't watched it in a long time.

Yeah, I had not seen this in decades, probably, since...

It's one of those films that you remember and then you remember why you forgot it. Yeah. So, producer Brad, what's in the Multiplex next week? What are our choices?

Well, you got to know how badly it did, right?

How badly? And then you can tell us what fresh hell we have waiting for us next week.

Krull opened July 29th, 1983. It was number four that weekend with 5.5 million behind National Amphibians Vacation, Jaws 3D and Return of the Jedi. It was number 45 for the year, one spot ahead of Space Hunter Adventures in the Forbidden Zone. Now, its budget was an estimated 47 million.

Jesus.

And that's on the IMDB. So, who knows where they got that number?

Return of the Jedi cost 32, and this is 47?

I can only imagine this is some kind of money-laundering shenanigans that Barclays-

Barclays mercantile.

Oh, mercantile industrial finance.

But it sounds like they had a draft of the script, then they had someone come in and do a new draft, and they built all these sets based on the second draft. And then they went back to the first one and it caused delays and money.

Wow.

To go back to Dune, I would imagine the copyright holder for this would be Chome, you know? But anyway. Okay, producer Brad, so...

And so it only brought in 16 and a half, so it bombed. All time it ranks 4,376, 18,000 ahead of Trainspotting.

Wow. Okay. But Trainspotting was made for much less money, so it probably turned a profit. Wow. You know, Paul, I got to tell you, like, I just, I...

Krull.

I got to Krull. Producer Brad, what's in the Multiplex next week? Do tell.

We now go to the weekend of August 5th, 1983.

Wow.

Two movies opened, and here is the poster.

Two movies open, one movie leaves. Is it like Thunderdome?

Well, we'll see how many we watch. Here's the poster for the first one.

Oh, my God.

Wow.

This film...

Peter Himes' The Star Chamber.

The Star Chamber. Yeah. Wow. Yeah. Okay. That's a thing. That's a movie that was shown in theaters. This is a movie where Michael Douglas plays a defense attorney who finds out that there's a bunch of renegade judges acting as judge, jury and executioner, right?

Yeah.

Yeah. Well, that sounds scintillating. Next.

Option two.

Oh, yeah. Come on.

Risky business.

We're watching that. It is a classic. Tom Cruise. This is the Fast Times of the summer of 83. Though arguably, I think a better movie than... We're going to find out. Oh, my God. I'm very excited about this. You know what?

Is it the Fast Times or is it the Night Shift?

You know, it is the Night Shift thematically, but I think it's the Fast Times in terms of quality. Like, this is a bonafide good film, right?

I...

I don't remember, to be honest with you. It is generally regarded as a good... I've only seen it once.

I've never seen it.

Holy Toledo, really? Well...

This is the summer of Paul's never seen.

Wow. Wow. Well, ladies and gentlemen, and also this film written and directed by the JD. Salinger of 1980s cinema, Paul Brickman, who literally wrote this movie and then vanished. I think he did this one. I think he did another, like maybe one other movie. Literally, this guy is like the Salinger of classic 1980s summer movies. So I'm very okay for Risky Business. It is. Paul, you ready? You ready to do this?

Yeah. What else is still in the multiplex?

Really? You want to know?

I'm just curious because, but I think I feel good that the-

Oh, wow.

I was hoping to stay in genre maybe a little longer.

Well, yeah, but-

There's nothing new. So here's what else is there. We have Vacation.

Right.

I think we- Yeah, we've already-

Jaws 3D, which is a genre, but not the genre you're looking for.

It's a genre, and that genre is sucking.

Private School.

Okay.

Phoebe Cates.

Nope.

Class.

Nope. Nope.

Mr. Mom.

Oh, God. Wow.

Porky's 2.

Wow.

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs re-release. Twilight Zone.

God, no, no. We ducked that bullet. And Fanny and Alexander. You bastard.

Producer Brad.

All right. Ladies and gentlemen.

Well, no, there's still Valley Girl.

There's still Valley Girl.

I'd rather watch Risky Business.

Zellig.

Nope. Nope.

La Traviata and Puberty Blues.

All right.

Have we have we not hit? Did you mention Yor the space hunter?

That has not come out yet.

No, I think you excuse me. You mean Yor. Oh, excuse me, Paul. I think you mean Yor the hunter from the future. Not to be confused with space hunter adventures in the Forbidden Zone. Not to be confused with Metal Storm, the destruction of Jared-Syn. Come on, man.

Fair.

All right, my friends, so risky business, ladies and gentlemen, until that hallowed week, we will see you in line at the Multiplex. Catch you later.