No, he is a freak.

The freak who speaks to animals.

But father.

Paul, I think that pretty much sums up the entire movie, doesn't it?

It does. It encapsulates the heavy burden that our protagonist is laden with in Don Coscarelli's Phantasmagoria that is The Beastmaster.

I like to think of it as a Mr. Piece.

That's well described. Yes.

Yeah.

This film is laden with so much cultural baggage. Let's just, how about we just go to the theme and get going, Paul, because I think we got a lot to unpack here. This is a big one.

Well, this is this is completing our fantasy trilogy of The Summer of 82 that we began with Conan. Yes. And then continued with The Sword and the Sorcerer. And now it's epic conclusion. It's, yes, yes. More or less, the Beastmaster.

What else can I say but I'm Javier Grillo-Marxuach.

And I'm Paul Alvarado-Dykstra.

And this is...

Multiplex Overthruster, Summer of 82.

Paul, Paul, did you see this movie in the theater?

Here's the thing, I'm in such a great mood today.

Yes.

I had pie for breakfast, a strawberry pie, the breakfast of champions, I've determined. I just helped my son complete booking his on-campus housing for college, for the fall semester, and I have not jumped out of a window. I'm coping very well, all things considered, pie helps. And I had the most distant, vague, fog-laden memories of this film, which ranked very high on the list of titles I was most dreading on our journey together.

Really?

Wow. Yes.

Please tell me you were not dreading it as much as the best little whorehouse in Texas, because damn.

No, no. There's no metaphysical comparison to the depths of horror that that film conveyed. But I never saw this in the theater. I was clearly deprived as a child, but I have vague memories of bits and pieces in my psyche from having absorbed it on cable. I don't actually know that I had ever sat through the entire movie from start to finish. I have a feeling that I'd only experienced parts of it, like, oh, it's on. And then I just kind of jumped in or saw, I don't know, but it had been so long since I'd experienced any of it. It didn't hold in its full form in my mind or memory.

I think Beastmaster holds a hallowed position in that we probably did not see it in theaters, but that it was on like cable. Like there was a joke in SNL.

I would disagree of the Sword and Sorcery films. This is the only PG one. So this is the only one I saw in the theater.

You saw this in the theater?

I did. Wow. It's PG.

Producer Brad, I feel slighted. I don't remember seeing this with you in the theater.

I can't be held to my actions 40 years ago.

Well, what's interesting, though, Paul, is you're talking about sending your kid off to college. And here we are. You know, we saw these movies when we were 13, 12, you know. And I think this is a good measure of the passage of time between this and The Summer of 82. And I got to say two things. One of them is the best little whorehouse in Texas would have been much improved had the Beastmaster been cast as the Burt Reynolds character, not Mark Singer, but the Beastmaster, like Darr himself.

Yes, yes. In Darr's attire, I would pay real money to see that movie. I wish we lived in that parallel universe.

So remember when Billy Crystal was a cast member on SNL, he played this older character and at one point, I don't even remember the sketch, but he goes, HBO, you pay 20 bucks a month, you get to see Beastmaster 40 times. So to me, that's how I experienced Beastmaster, was just it was on cable constantly between 1984 and now.

Yeah.

That's how I experienced it. So it was not a multiplex movie for me.

Yeah. And I believe it. So first it had this long life on pay cable on HBO, I believe. And then I think it became this massive hit on like TNT or something.

Like TNT had it on basic cable.

Like all the time. Like it was this huge thing that was part of even their branding and their identity. Like they were, that was the Beastmaster channel.

Yeah. Yeah.

Because people couldn't get enough of it. So I know that I had seen.

Could people not get enough of it? Because I think people, I think it's very, I mean, look, I know there's a lot of people. Russell, again, I saw this on cable. Now I realize because producer Brad didn't invite me that weekend. So shame on you, producer Brad. And two, I think there's some in the world and I think that there probably is just enough Beastmaster for one.

Life is a lot about expectations.

Indeed.

And how we calibrate and navigate our relationship with expectations and how those expectations collide with our reality.

Paul, I see you came to play philosophically. I like it.

Well, you know, it's what I minored in college. So every once in a while it stirs.

You see, philosophize like a character from a Chekhov play. Yeah, I hear you.

And I am delighted because I feel like you and I are this case study of different expectations and memories colliding with this film. Because I found contrary to the depth of dread, I just finished watching the film minutes ago.

You're literally fresh off the boat on this movie.

I was procrastinating. I was putting it off.

Me too.

I went and saw other great movies yesterday. That I wanted to see what I should have been watching this.

You should have been watching Beastmaster.

I meant to get up earlier and then I was like, God, I got to watch the Beastmaster and I put it off, but I had got my pie and I dove in and I have to tell you, from the moment the MGM line roared and then announced and presented the first credit, which is one of the greatest credits I have ever seen.

Oh my God. I wrote it down.

Ready?

Do you want to say it with me? One, two, three.

Leisure Investment Company presents.

Did you feel like you had leisure watching this film? Did you feel leisurely? First of all, you feel like they were invested in your leisure when they made this film?

I hit pause and my jaw hit the floor in awe and delight.

The greatest credit of all time, indeed.

I think it is the greatest company name ever, the greatest credit I've ever seen as the opening credit of a film.

Yeah.

Leisure Investment Company presents. I mean, that's just-

Leisure Investment Company, it sounds like the bad guy in a 1970s sci-fi movie starring Richard Benjamin.

Yes. Again, another movie I would love to see. But our listeners and you may not be aware. So in addition to producing, I am also a marketing person, my background and a geek about marketing and branding. One of my favorite brands currently is this brand called Vacation. I don't know if you're familiar with the wonder that is Vacation.

They'd better be good if we're giving them free advertising.

They should sponsor, but they threw a great party at South by Southwest and they're all over the place. They're ruling the world. But Vacation is a leisure brand that has a whole retro 80s vibe of sunscreen and cologne slash perfume that has sense of chlorine pools, pool toys and sunscreen. I like that. They have this whole branding empire they've launched and unveiled, and it has this whole great retro vibe.

Do they have one that smells like Belinda Carlisle? That's all I want to know.

I would say yes. But their signature fragrance is Vacation by Vacation. Right. But here's the kicker. A few years ago, this is, I think, during the pandemic when they launched. This is a tangent, but it's worth it. You can go on their website and you can hit a randomizer to create your own business card to become a company employee of Vacation. And there'll be titles that it'll generate like Cabana Boy Manager or Margarita Machine Technician. Or, I mean, just all sorts of things you are currently speaking to and have been since the inception of this podcast. Chairman of the Leisure Council. Wow. That is my title.

That was worth the go around the block, Paul.

Thank you. I knew it was a tall order. So when I saw Leisure Investment Company presents, this was like a sign from the divine, from the gods of leisure welcoming me into the warm embrace of Paul, you've been dreading this film, but feast upon the delights of leisure.

Because they are invested in your leisure, is what we're saying. Paul, what can we do now but recap the plot of the movie and go to the bell because I got it. Yes.

Oh, producer Brad.

Yes.

Leisure Investment Company, they did two other films.

Do go on.

Fade to Black, a film buff goes on a killing spree.

Fade to Black was a movie that was on the movie channel. It was a really like, apparently the production was really troubled. It was like a famously troubled production and then it was on the movie channel in like 1980, whatever, like all day long. Like it was literally the only thing they showed for a year. So I know that movie.

Like Tim Tomlinson was one of the actors in it.

Yeah.

And Dennis Christopher.

Murder doesn't especially lend itself to leisure, but okay.

No, no, no. He was a psychotic film buff who like, I mean, literally there's a scene where he jerks off to a poster of Marilyn Monroe. And you're supposed to find that like something that only a psychopath would do. I'm like, excuse me. If that's what a psychopath would do, then pretty much every man between 1950 and 1970, whatever, was a psychopath.

But anyway, I guess that's sort of, you know, in the broad definition of leisure.

Well, it's just the typical sex positivity of the 1980s as well.

There you go.

Well, maybe the third film will get you back to leisure. Evil Speak, Military Cadet Taps into Summoning Demons and Casting Spells.

Holy crap.

Like you, wow.

Clint Howard.

Oh my God.

You almost said Eastwood, I was like, really? Producer Brad? He made Firefox, he made it any which way you can, every which way but loose, and Evil Speak.

And the last of the films was The Beastmaster, so maybe The Beastmaster killed the company. I don't know.

I don't know.

I think The Beastmaster saved the company. I think it allowed them to retire in leisure, in fact.

Yes, I think it secured their immortality.

Yes, it was Beastmaster that redeemed their investment in leisure. Paul, Paul, give us the pl... By the way, not that you have to because producer Brad could just plug in the recap from Sword and the Sorcerer, it's the same goddamn movie. It really is.

It's uncannily similar.

By the way, this movie Sword and the Sorcerer and Conan have like nine plot beats in common. It's kind of uncanny.

A very similar hero's journey starting with the origin, a tragic origin, a orphan hero on a quest of revenge. But in this case, our hero can speak to animals. That's kind of all you need to know.

Is he in a quest for revenge? I don't know what he's on a quest for. He seems to be on a quest for wandering a lot.

He does wander leisurely.

Leisurely, in fact. Paul, Paul Alvarado-Dykstra, give us the recap. Let's go to the belt. Let's get going.

I mean, that's kind of the recap. So there's this prophecy about this unborn kid is going to kill somebody. And it turns out the unborn is like in the side, the pregnant queen, which is not good. And so the queen dies, the kid is put in an ox. Anyway, whatever, but then he grows up, he talks to animals and he gets remanded. That's all you need to know. We'll get to it. Ring the bell.

Give us a bell, producer Brad.

Ding, ding.

Oh, here's the thing.

What we're learning in this podcast is that, so people talk about the wonder of seeing the moon landing on TV, right?

Yes.

They'll talk about is the moon landing was on live on TV for like nine hours at a time. And it was just tedium. This is literally like these fucking black and white figures bouncing around. And it's like the summer of 82. And that like, you know, we romanticize the summer of 82. We're like, oh, the summer of Star Trek, TRON, The Thing. But what are the last four movies we've seen? We've seen Best of the Horrors in Texas, which again is like the nature of my existence. Fast Times at Richmond High, which to some, a classic. It's not a movie I understand. I get it. It's good. I think. I don't fucking know. We talked about that last week.

I say it's good.

OK. Then Beastmaster. And then there was an, I don't even remember what it was. Oh, Night Shift. Not a bad movie.

Yeah, fun.

Literally this summer started with Poltergeist, ET.,

Road Warrior, Conan.

We're kind of at the Sargasso Sea of 82, my friend.

Oh, yeah. Yeah. We are adrift in the outer banks.

Yeah.

Of the summer of 82.

Just wait two Fridays to go.

I mean, we better end this with a banger. Like if we don't, if this ends on like, you know, some, I don't know what to say to end it, but we better find a banger to end this on, because otherwise it's going to be like Summer of 82, you know?

I am choosing optimism.

All right. So the movie starts with, you know, there's an evil wizard named Mayaxe and the queen is pregnant and Mayaxe is insisting that they have to sacrifice the unborn kid to the god R.

R.

R.

R.

And he wants to get the queen's baby from its mom's belly. The king says no and admonishes him in the following way. Producer Brad, Mayaxe asks, Hey, King, we got to sacrifice your kid to the god R. And the king says, Fnatic. Okay, I'd be like, fuck you, you want to kill my kid, motherfucker. But I guess he says Fnatic. Okay, whatever. Is that medieval fantasy speak for don't kill my kid? What is that?

Yeah, yeah. So we find ourselves in this sort of dungeon, in this pyramid temple, in this village, town thing, whatever enclave. There are these creepy witches with really disgusting prosthetics, like these witch creatures with a creepy cauldron.

Paul, we would be remiss if we didn't mention that the witch creatures have hideous skull-like heads, and then they have a kind of choker or neck piece. And then beneath the neck, there are gorgeous Playboy models in bikinis.

Did you notice who plays witch number three?

I did not, sir, but police producer Brad Tutel.

Janet Jones, wife of Wayne Gretzky. She was in Grease 2. And she was also in Staying Alive with High Frank Stallone Factor.

Hmm. The Frank Factor.

Oh, my God, the Frank Stallone factory turns to save us from the doldrums. Thank you, Producer Brad.

I choose to believe that Frank Stallone has an uncredited cameo in the dungeon.

Yeah, he's one of those witch creatures with the giant breasts. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Okay, anyway, Paul, we gotta talk about...

We gotta talk about Rip Torn's prosthetic nose.

Yes, okay.

And his suicidal monks that have the most ingenious way of hanging themselves.

Yes, they do.

At a moment's notice.

So the king says Fanatic and Rip Torn, who, by the way, my note on Rip Torn's character, the evil sorcerer Mad Max, who wants to kill the king's kid and sacrifice it to the god, are... I'm looking down at my notes. It says, looks like Cybok.

I was gonna say that! Right!

Right!

Oh, my God!

Paul, you're the only other... No, you're not the only other person, and that's the really sad thing about our society, but immediately, wow. Right?

Yeah, at first glance, it's like, holy shit, it's Cybok.

Okay, for those of you who don't know Cybok, why are you listening to this podcast? Who are you?

If you don't know, we can't help you.

Cybok is famously Spock's long-lost half-brother, played by Lawrence Luckinbill in Star Trek V The Final Frontier, yes. Okay, so anyway, look, what else do you want to say about the scene?

Well, as a demonstration, apparently, as a demonstration of Maax's power, and I just have to say, Maax is apparently spelled M-A-A-X, which to me would be Max, but is pronounced My-ax.

No, it's pronounced Maax. No, I have a clip from the show that says it's pronounced Maax. He literally, Mark Singer, the only thing I remember from this movie is Mark Singer jumping up on top of the pyramid and going, Maax.

Yes, correct. Okay, correct. But apparently, as a demonstration of his force of will and the loyalty of his legion of evil monks that he has in addition to these creepy witch creatures.

And they must be legion because a lot of them die. Yes. And they seem to be replaced.

Yeah, there are a whole lot of them to go around. They have these contraptions that are sort of a grappling hook or something that they launch into the ceiling and then have a noose around their necks that then raise them up and hang themselves. It's like a self-hanging mechanism.

You know what? Anytime Maax needs to show the fealty of his monks, they're just ready to hang themselves. They're just trying to get hooked up.

I have to salute the ingenuity of the concept and the execution in this opening sequence. It's so weird and fucked up, but it's like, oh, that's ingenious.

He's so typical of that kind of movie villain where somebody says fanatic. And instead of killing the person who calls them a fanatic, they literally kill their own henchmen. Like, oh yeah, you want to see what a fanatic I am? Die henchmen. And then you're like, yeah, but now you're alone.

Yeah, it's a choice, but he's clearly psychotic.

Strategically not a great thing. Anyway, so the king calls him a fanatic, tells him to go away, and tells his own captain of the guard played by?

The great John Amos.

Paul, let's get serious for a second. In The Sword of the Sorcerer, we rhapsodized over the actor who played Captain Morgan, who, while not a great performer, he brung it. He was there. He showed up to play. And we wish that he'd been allowed to play more because he made a huge choice, but we really loved it. John Amos is a wonderful actor, literally. I mean, everybody knows him from good times, but I also know him as one of the bad guys from Die Hard 2, Die Harder. And wow, like it really, you see him in this movie and you're like, dude, how come there was only room for one James Earl Jones in the 80s? You know, like, again, just to point out the tragedy of our society where like a dude, who's this good an actor is literally playing second banana to Mark Singer in The Beastmaster.

Yes. And he goes missing after this opening until the third act, which is a huge tragedy because John Amis is magnificent.

He's wonderful.

He is just beaming with charisma, with presence. He is one of my favorite actors. I just think he's incredible. He has such warmth and dignity and humanity and just balances this incredible presence and strength, but also with this endearing warmth that I just think is so irresistible.

I'm right there with you. And I think what's really interesting about just him in this movie, and even him in Die Hard 2 Die Harder, by the way, where he plays a pretty awful character, is that he's also like he's avuncular. He is that dad figure from Good Times, but he's also there's a cool to him. Like he also kind of every time he goes up and he looks up at the camera, I know he's thinking, yeah, I don't know what I'm doing here either, but let's do it. You know, like you just can tell that he's like, yeah, I guess this is what I'm doing now. I'm in a loincloth. I'm with the Beastmaster, but fuck it guys, let's go on this trip together. And he just takes you through it. It's really, I mean, I really enjoyed his performance.

I want to see a movie just about him and his character.

Exactly.

He is the most awesome person in this movie.

You're totally right. I would so much rather see him in a movie. You know, look, first of all, the adventures of that character and Captain Morgan together, would have been, that's the buddy cop medieval, Hyborian, barbarian buddy cop movie we did not know we needed. You know, where Captain Morgan is always very grandiose and Shakespearean, John Amis is like, man, shut up, you know?

Yeah. That would have been an incredible dynamic.

Oh man, the shit we missed because of this country sucking with the racism.

Yes.

Okay, look, the Beastmaster, a DAR, is branded by the-

Well, we're not there yet. I'll get to it quickly, but we got to get, so there's this freaky thing. So then it's like, okay, you just like leave the Rip Torn guy, whatever, and the king goes back to, just goes to bed.

King just goes to bed.

And like unguarded with his queen who's very pregnant, then one of the creepy witchers shows up with an oxen. And you may ask, what is she doing with an ox?

With an ox and a couple of glow sticks from a rave, by the way, like the magic in this movie, you're like, yeah, those are glows. That glowing liquid you're pouring on the queen to do the ox spell you're doing, that's from a rave. Go on.

It's very strange. So she creeps into their blatantly and conspicuously unprotected bedroom, tent, whatever place there are. It's very strange. And yeah, she pours this glowing liquid across their necks for some reason, that's not apparent at all. And then she does some weird kind of juju magic. And the baby, yeah, she basically teleports the baby from the queen's belly into the belly of the oxen.

By the way, which may be the only cool thing in this movie as far as like, it's the only thing in this movie that I actually was not the only one. But I remember a bunch of things that it's like the one that I go like, that's that's kind of cool. I mean, gross. But the idea of like literally getting the baby out of the mom and telepathically moving into the belly of an ox, that's great.

And again, something I have to give the filmmakers credit for is that taking something that is essentially a retread of a retread of a retread story-wise in terms of the overall plot, but yet finding ingenious, inventive little opportunities to inject something original, conceptually here and there like this, which I'm like, this is cool. It's freaky, but it's cool.

Let's take a second though to celebrate the director of this film, because here's the thing, this, I don't think these masters are very good movie at all. I am not in the, I mean, it's campy, it's fun, whatever, but Don Coscarelli made most recently John Dies at the End, which is a really fun, weird, low budget throwback. It's ingenious. I mean, it's like the script is all over the place. It's a mess, but it's so much fun. It totally works. And he also made Boba Hotepe.

Oh my God, I love Boba Hotepe.

Fucking delightful, right?

Yeah.

And it's interesting because he made the Phantasm movies, which I must confess I have not seen any of the Phantasm movies, Paul. None of them.

That's okay.

I don't know. Isn't this the kind of thing that gets me, that pulls my nerd card gets pulled for not having seen Phantasm, right?

I have not seen all of them. Well, I'll say that.

But you're the Grand Chairman of Leisure. You should anyway.

See, that's the thing. I've got leisure responsibilities I have to attend to. I'm pacing myself when it comes to the Phantasm movies.

Also Paul, I think leisure don't judge.

Exactly.

So anyway, Coscarelli is actually like a really interesting filmmaker who has always lived in this B-movie world and all of that. And it's just a shame that this is probably his best known film and it's not his best nearly at all, you know?

I have nothing but admiration and affection and gratitude for Don Coscarelli's persistent commitment to an advocacy of B-movie genre cinema.

Love the guy.

Yep. Absolutely. And his contributions over the decades and influence cannot be denied. And from everything I've ever heard or observed is that he's a great freaking guy. And yeah, I think our world is richer for having him in it and for having him bestow such intriguing rare gemstones such as The Beastmaster.

Look, I think that there are people who bring, actively bring weirdness into the world, you know? And I think that especially with Baba Hotep and with, I mean, the fantastic movies from all I know, obviously, but I think that you look at Baba Hotep and you look at John Dies at the End. And it's literally just a master of just, he just opens the veil, rips open the rift and tells weirdness to come in and hands at the clicker. You know? And I think that that's an important role to play in all art forms is the person who's maybe working a little on the fringe.

Yes.

But they're bringing some weird shit into the world that's actually like, and I know a lot of people who've seen his films and been influenced by them. So yeah.

All hail Don Cuscarelli. So speaking of bringing weird things into the world, we then cut to the witch goes to a two minutes into this movie. Campfire. We're going to cook. Takes the oxen, then basically slays the oxen, slices it open to give birth to the unborn, the prince.

Like some weird bovine caesarean section.

Yes. Exactly. Giving birth to the prince. Exactly.

Of the-

And brands it on the palm of its hand, which seems like a very cruel thing to do to a baby.

Baby.

Also-

But then again, they circumcise babies too. So I mean, I don't know.

You know, cultural differences.

I would have rather had the hand branding, man. 20% of the sensitivity is gone. I'm not a happy camper, but do go on.

Well, no argument. But thankfully, there is a there is a passerby who is witnessing this and thinks this doesn't seem right and intervenes. Thankfully, slays the witch, takes the baby back to this village.

But the thing I want to say about this guy. OK, so like, Paul, I know now you're trying to cook and I'm the guy slowing you down and going, hey, I got ideas.

It's a tag team.

It's a tag team. OK, OK, bam. You know what? So this movie was shot in like, producer Brad, where was this movie shot? It was like in Budapest or Hungary or Topanga Canyon. I don't know where.

Mostly in California.

Yeah, I was going to say at one point, I think I spot Vasquez Rocks at some point in the film.

At one point, I think I spotted a minivan. But anyway, if this movie wasn't shot in Eastern, because here's the thing, I was about to go off on the whole thing about how I thought this movie was all shot in Eastern Europe because the entire movie is dubbed. Even the people who speak in their own voices are Mark Singer, Dubbs himself. But also, I thought that this guy who plays the Adopted Father was some sort of Eastern European actor that they found doing like Brecht.

He has that look.

He does, because I'll tell you what, other than Rip Torn, because he's so sort of grotesquely made up and he's got the bad teeth and the fake nose and he looks like Cybok. Over the years, this Adopted Father guy is the guy I remember because he has the least Hollywood face in the movie and that actually makes him kind of memorable. And because he's kind of a pudgy guy and he's not good with the sword, but he winds up slaying this witch and you get this, like a daddy showed up and fucking took care of Bidness, you know, and I really appreciate that. Yeah. But he's got like the dad bod, he's bald.

He looks like a dad.

Yeah. And he basically just assumes parenthood of this child.

Yeah.

He doesn't seem to make any effort to figure out where this kid came from.

I mean, look, it's barbarian times. There's no intern. Yeah, that's okay.

He arrives at this village triumph.

We just give the actor credit. His name is Ben Hammer.

Ben Hammer.

Yes.

You know what?

Ben Hammer, wherever you may be, you were for me the most memorable part of this film as a portrait of good parenting.

He died in 2017.

Well, you know what? Brad, producer Brad. See, what did he die of? Did he get eaten by rats? Was he like...

But he left behind...

Did he perish in the Serbian War?

Come on, producer Brad.

He left behind an indelible memory and legacy in modeling positive masculinity and good fatherhood.

Absolutely, Paul. And you know what? This is against the difference between, well, maybe not, in 82. And my dad's a wonderful human being, so it's not like I was lacking for a father figure. But I think that it's not something... Good father figures are not something you see a lot in movies. And weirdly, we found one in Beastmaster. And I think the difference between 82 and 2020... What year is it? 2024?

Yeah.

It's like I saw that back then and went like, oh, that guy looks like a nice dad. And then now I'm like, that guy looks like a nice dad. I better take some pointers from him, you know? Yeah.

Yeah. Yeah. So he arrives at the village with a baby, kind of raises it Lion King style to like show it off, which is a little weird. But but anyway, then we immediately jump ahead to then young, semi grown Dar, who is being trained by his villager dad in swordplay and such. But then, oh no, a bear attacks a bear because bear attacks are quite common in.

You know, by the way, good for them having bear. There's no bears in Conan. You know, you don't know what I was watching Conan and sort of sorcerer were the bears.

Yeah.

Yeah. I really wasn't. There's a bear attack. A villager is attacked by a bear and a big ass bear.

And it takes out a villager. And it's about to take Dar and his father out. But Dar has a mysterious instinct and he steps forward. As if summoned by the call of destiny.

Oh my God. In a fantasy movie? No, no.

He reaches out with his mind and he connects with the bear and subdues him and sends the bear away. And his father is struck with awe and wonder.

Yes.

And he says, and by the way, we're only on quote number three, but producer Brad Regalus.

you're my beloved.

Oh, come on, I'm like tearing up at that. That is so touching. He's such a good dad.

It's so sweet. But also, the other important point that he imparts to him that seems very, very, very crucial is that he has to keep his power a secret.

Yes.

But then, cut to adult, Dahr, Mark Singer, talking to a dog.

Because that's what you do. You got to keep it a secret.

And this just cracks me up. It's just like-

Not from the village, right? Just sort of from the world. Like you don't want it on the Daily Planet or something, right? But it's fine if the village-

Sounded like he wanted to keep it a secret from everybody. But then, like, he's just talking to his dog buddy. And it's like, oh, okay, well, I guess, you know, secret. Ah, loose skill, loosey-goosey with that.

It's not like he was juggling pigeons. It's fine. I mean-

Yeah, yeah, yeah. And I guess, you know, people talk to their dogs. But I just found that, I found that cut amusing. So he then goes to work in the field with some fellow villagers. And let me just say, adult Dar is a very strapping Mark Singer.

Yes. He is a handsome muscular man, isn't he?

Yes. Who cuts a swath through this film with very few clothes.

Yeah.

In order to show off, I will say, particularly for 1982 standards, an impressive physique.

It's interesting because, you know, like you've got Arnold Schwarzenegger, former Mr. Universe. I mean, obviously this guy gets, he got tapped to be Conan because of his impressive physique, right? Then on the whole other end, you've got Lee Horsley, who looks like he's a rough neck, like he rides them horses and goes, has beer for the horses and whiskey for the man and eats ribs. And he's got more of that kind of dad bod heroism, you know?

Yeah, beefy. Beefy. Lee Majors.

He's got a Lee Majors quality, right?

Yeah.

And then Mark Singer, first of all, one of the most long-waisted human beings I've ever seen in anything, like, I mean, I've seen supermodels who go like, damn, he's long-waisted.

And he is ripped. He is a chiseled Greek god statue. Yeah. It's kind of like, wow.

Can I quote the New York Times what Vincent Canvey said, which fits in with what you're saying?

Do go on.

Dhar looks as if he lifted weights a lot, but hasn't as yet overdone it.

Which is clearly a swipe at Schwarzenegger and Conan, which Vincent Canvey had to watch Conan and Sword and the Sorcerer and this just as we did. I'm sure he's feeling the same fatigue we are.

But this is interesting because I feel that Mark Singer, in reflection of the broader film, is manifesting Beastmaster's place as this amalgam or this middle ground between Conan and Sword and the Sorcerer.

Indeed.

As a film and also as a character in a physique.

Although I would argue honestly, Paul, that Sword and the Sorcerer, honestly out of the three of them, and I don't even remember whether I hated the Sword and the Sorcerer in the podcast, but out of the three of them, I think Sword and the Sorcerer is actually the most fun to sit through.

Can we revisit that you don't remember your opinion of the movie?

No idea. I can't remember what is in the podcast. I feel like, do you think this was more fun to watch than Sword and the Sorcerer?

Oh, yes. Oh, no. Conan reigns supreme. There's just no-

It does, but here's the thing, in terms of just-

But in terms of fun, in terms of frivolity, in terms of just- In terms of, dare I say, leisure?

Leisure?

You would know about this.

I think The Beastmaster is the most leisurely fun of the three.

Oh, it is certainly leisurely because the first half hour-

I found it a delightful jaunt.

Paul, one of the reasons we haven't gotten past the first act of this movie yet, and we're like over a half hour to the podcast, is this movie is paced real leisurely.

Yeah.

There are a lot of sequences of Dar just wandering the fields.

Yes, of landscapes. No dialogue. This movie is two hours long. Oh, my God.

Right? It is so two hours long.

It's a 90-minute movie stretched to two hours.

It's an 85-minute movie that 90 minutes would have feel stretched, and it's like two hours long. I was like, holy crap, my friend is. Anyway, look, look, look. As with any movie where an orphan grows up in a village, the evil writers show up.

Of course.

In this movie, they are the writers of Juh, the writers of Juh, who are in league with the god Arr.

Yes. Led by Mayax. Mayax? Mayax? I'm never going to get it right. Mayax.

It's a loose association. The writers of Jun are working with Mayax, but they're not like in the Mayax pyramid. They're sort of his associates.

Yeah.

They come in, they kill it. And of course, the lead guy has some sort of like bat wings or antlers or some shit coming out of the same bit, right?

And I'm sorry to back up, but I-

Oh, no, you're backing up.

Oh, God. I have to give a special commendation. Yep. We have seen some strong animal acting over the course of this summer.

Yes, we have.

This dog is great.

Dar Swag Dog, yes.

So the dog is the first one of them to spot the oncoming horde, is barking on this hilltop, seeing something in the distance. And so Dar goes to see, and then he's like, Oh, my God, there's this really kind of optical effect cloud thing that I guess, what the heck is that? It's to indicate this oncoming horde.

It's the power of R.

Yeah. So then the bad guys attack, the evil horde attacks the village, and they're like killing people right and left for no apparent reason. Then Dar is knocked out at some point. Then the dog tries valiantly to save him, to drag him. But the dog is shot with an arrow.

The dog gets shot with an arrow.

It's terrifying.

No, no. But then the dog's still out of devotion, a depth of devotion that only a dog can know, that's unknown to the depths of a human soul, is dragging Dar at the expense of its last gasp of its own life, into safety.

It has like a crossbow arrow sticking on its little dog chest. Yeah, it's horrible.

Yes, it's just tragic. Then Dar awakens later to an eagle vision. We'll get to this later.

Will we? Can we get to it now? Go on.

Sure. It wakes to find his dog dead, the village destroyed, bodies on pikes. Right. Then he wanders this wasteland, lays the dog to rest by his beloved devoted father figure. Yes. It's very tragic. Takes his father's sword, and then his father also has this weird, it's called I think a caber, a hinged throwing blade that also functions as a boomerang or something. It's not ever really described or explained where this came from or what it is, but this is a signature weapon in the film. Then torches the dead bodies in a funeral pyre, and embarks on his quest of revenge with an eagle, a golden eagle. And then we get one of these long training travel montages across the landscape.

He travels to the land forever, and he trains forever. Now, Paul, somewhere in here, his father either in voiceover or with his dying breath, says...

Your home. And if anything should happen to me, look for our enemies, the Jons, and you may search for your destiny in the Valley of Arup.

Okay. So obviously this happened before daddy died. So daddy said, go look for our enemies, but the enemy showed up and killed everybody anyway, so it's good he found them.

Convenient exposition that has been imparted into Dar.

So now Dar goes off and somehow he's really buff now. Weirdly, he puts on his Sunday best to leave the village, which does not include a shirt, it's just a loincloth.

It's a belt with like these like leather straps, it's kind of a skirt.

Yeah, yeah.

A strappy skirt, which is soon stolen.

Right.

By ferrets.

Now Paul, as you were watching this movie, at one point you sent a text that said, I wish that the eagle would eat the ferrets. And my response to that was, I wish the ferrets would eat the negative. That's how much fun I had watching this movie. So let's talk about ferrets. All of a sudden, Dar can talk to ferrets, right?

Okay, so I know I've already indulged in a digression.

Do go on.

About my secret life as chairman of the Leisure Council for vacation.

Yes. How much are they paying you to do this, Paul? You're really stumping for these guys.

In the interest of full disclosure, I must share an important anecdote that informs my perspective from this point onward in the film, specifically with regards to Ferrets. So, at the risk of overstepping boundaries of privacy, let me just say that I had a-

Paul, you are frightening me now.

I had a magical and, let's say, soul-forging experience working for a noted filmmaker that all of you know of and probably admire. I just won't mention his name, but I was managing his office and holding him on the fort and house-sitting while he was abroad in Europe filming and taking care of family pets, which included two ferrets.

No, ferrets, oh, God.

Which were the bane of my existence. And there are two things you need to know about ferrets. Well, let's say three things.

Yes, to go on.

Ferrets are engines of poop. That's all they do all day long is they just produce mass quantities of excrement that seem implausible relative to their mass.

Like you know how a snake can eat a creature that is like significantly greater than its own size? So like literally ferrets, what you're saying, they're like reverse snakes. You look at an image of a snake swallowing a deer and you play it backwards and that's a ferret crapping. Okay.

Yeah.

You know already this podcast is already our finest hour, Paul.

Just you wait. So and I know people like, oh ferrets are so cute, ferrets are so cute. No, ferrets are evil. They are stinky, they are mean. You clean the cage and as soon as it's done, you turn and there's more poop. It's like it just keeps coming. There's no end to it. So anyway, so I am tasked with keeping these ferrets fed, comfortable and most importantly, it should go without saying alive.

Oh my God. Is this the part where you reveal that your famous movie director friend actually owned Coto and Poto from The Beastmaster? And that's what you realized watching the movie is that those two ferrets that tortured you during your early years in the business when you're someone's assistant are actually movie stars and perhaps you should have snapped the one's ferrets neck like a twig.

Oh, it's so much better than that. Go on. So these two ferrets whose names are stricken from my memory are my tormentors as I feel like I am I am imprisoned with them.

Paul Alvarado-Dykstra trapped in a prison of fur.

Yes. And so but one morning, one Saturday morning, and I remember this like it was yesterday, I am meeting with a friend who's visiting from out of town, a college friend to go see a movie. And I'm like, I got to go check on the ferrets, got to go feed them, clean the cage, blah, blah, blah. And I go in and I look in the cage, and one of the ferrets, dead as a doornail, stiff as a board, curled in a semicircle, and the other ferret is not happy. And I'm like, did that ferret murder the other ferret? I don't know, but I'm like, I've been feeding the ferrets, they've never been without water, they've had good care, they've been kept indoors.

And now you have to investigate the death of a ferret. You're like a kind of rodent Columbo now, right?

Yes. And I'm also mortified because I'm like, oh my God, this happened on my watch. Like I am responsible.

This is Stanley Kubrick's ferret. We don't know what Stanley Kubrick is, Paul, so we're just gonna say that. So you're like, this is Stanley Kubrick's ferret.

So I had not contemplated this scenario, nor had I been briefed on what to do in case of such a scenario. Because it was an unthinkable scenario that I was faced with. So I place a call to Prague and I leave a voicemail and I'm just so apologetic and I just I don't know what happened, but one of the ferrets is dead and soon I receive a call.

From your boss, Rainer Werner Fassbender.

Exactly. And I answer the phone and I feel horrible and I am trying to decide what to do and the voice on the other end goes, is this the ferret killer?

And I'm like, I'm so sorry.

He's like, oh, he's like, no, no, no, don't worry about it. They live for like three years. They get tubers and they die. But then he says, but which one was it? I was like, I don't know. He's like, was it the pink nose or the black nose? And I said, oh, let me check. And I look and it was one or the other. I think it was the pink nose.

Was your boss Strongbad from Home Star Runner?

So I say, I say it was the pink nose. I think I could be wrong. Was it maybe the blackness? And he's like, oh, that was the nice one. The other one's the mean one. And now you've killed its only friend. And I'm like, oh, God. So now, now, faced with this added burden of dark knowledge, I have to reach into the cage to extricate the stiff carcass of the dead ferret from the guardianship of its now solitary, desolate, angry, bitter only friend who's not happy with me.

I thought this is the part where you reveal that you have the Beastmaster's power and you hypnotize the mean ferret to take the corpse of the other ferret out of the cage and bury it.

If only. But I did manage, I did manage successfully to remove the dead ferret and buried it behind the back gate in the backyard of the house where it presumably still is to this day. And then, yes, then was stuck with the lonely, angry, surviving, mean ferret.

But you struck up a bond of grudging friendship with that ferret, which after the 90-minute film of your life that happened then, you actually know.

I harbor some quantum of PTSD when it comes to ferrets.

So Paul, I have one question. Did this director buy-

Only one?

Only one, because we're going to move on.

We're going to leave the fuck on, Paul.

I'm going to the Hilton Resort of Digression in the Dominican Republic and then flown back. So do go on.

My question is, did the director, your boss buy these because of The Beastmaster?

No. He hated the ferrets. I don't think he reminds me. His wife at the time, a lovely, amazing person, was a former veterinarian.

That woman's name was Elizabeth Taylor.

Sure. So she and her daughter, their daughter, who's amazing, a little princess, had this menagerie of pets.

Okay, stop. Everybody stop. We need to get back to the movie. Paul, I'm going to make it to the next 20 minutes of this. You're going to owe me $5 per digression for the next two minutes while I get us the fuck out of the first act of this movie. You're killing me. Okay.

The quicksand. The quicksand.

Darr falls into quicksand. The ferrets save him by chewing off a branch. Darr trains.

But one of the ferrets falls in. And I'm like, let the ferret die. Let the ferret die. Darr saves the ferret.

I'm like, Goddamn it. Darr saves the goddamn ferret. Okay. So then Darr trains a little more. He twirls his sword around. Then he has an encounter.

And Darr names the ferrets. Coto and Poto.

Yes, yes. And then he meets a panther. And then he becomes one with the panther, right? And then he does the-

And the whole time, I just want the eagle or the panther to eat the ferrets. That's all I want in this movie.

You hate ferrets.

You're like, dude, ferrets are evil monsters.

Oh, my God.

We've literally-

And the panther is a tiger painted black. And the whiskers, the face keeps washing away.

Yes.

Who the hell gets the shit job of painting a tiger black for a movie?

I-

Every day some a-hole has to wake up with a can of spray paint and risk their lives painting a tiger. Can they just get a panther?

Yeah. So apparently they really wanted a black panther, but they couldn't get a black panther. So they got a line and they painted it and had to keep repainting it. But then the line would like lick itself and then lick the paint off. And it would come off and then have to repaint it. I'm like, why the hell didn't you just make it a lion? Like, why does it have to be a panther? Because it's so obviously not a panther. It's a lion with a bad paint job.

So once he gets to know, he's got an eagle, a panther and two ferrets. And Dar says what is only, quote, number five in our 15-quote arsenal, hall of the digression. Producer Brad, hit me with it.

I have my eyes. Do you know why? Leisure. They have to be leisurely.

Leisure. You know, Paul, look, you had the luxury. Well, I'm still, dare I say the pleasure, the privilege of working for the great Luchino Visconti and taking care of his ferrets, okay? I don't have such a-

By the way, I am still to this day known, decades later, as the ferret killer.

Well, Luchino Visconti is not a kind man, so I mean, I can imagine how he'd hold a grudge.

He is very kind. It's a term of endearment. It's a badge of honor.

You're going to owe me five bucks. Okay, hang on.

So Dara has his eyes, and what does he see? He sees topless Tanya Roberts bathing in a waterfall pool.

Because, and by the way, how is this PG? It had boobs.

Good point.

Yeah. Okay.

Different standards in 1982.

No f-words.

Oh, so Conan had boobs and too much blood, and that's why.

And there was no PG-13 yet.

Got it. Okay. Okay. Well, these are fleeting boobs, but I think the whole point of this entire genre is so that 13-year-olds could see boobs. And then our hero, Dahr, who we're supposed to like and find just orders his sparrots to steal Tanya Roberts' clothing, orders the panther to pretend to be frightening Tanya Roberts so he can pretend to defeat it so that he can then force a kiss on Tanya Roberts. At which time, in my note, says, Rape Master. He's the f-ing Rape Master now. This is like, what an asshole. Why are all these guys assholes? F-ing Talon, asshole. Conan, asshole. Dallas, Hunter, f-ing Laredo. What's the name of the asshole from Megaforce? F-ing Texas.

Ace Hunter.

Hunter, Ace Hunter, asshole. They're all f-ing rapey assholes, Paul. And people wonder, well, I wonder whether there's so much toxic masculinity. We were fed this shit when we were 13 and told these were heroes.

I was going to say, relatively speaking, in comparison to those other poor male role models, I would charitably describe Dar as a cad in this instance, but I don't dispute your harsher judgment.

I think Dar had the will. I just don't think he had the resources of an Ace Hunter. You know what I mean? So anyway, he has a rapey meek cute with Tanya Roberts.

Yeah. And she shows him some scars and says she's a slave.

I believe. I believe. Oh, my God. We're almost at the halfway point of our bank of quotes. Producer Brad, give us number six.

Who are you?

I am Kiri, slave to the priests of the Temple of Our.

Run away.

I'll protect you.

You don't understand. I must go back. If I don't, my family will be put to death.

Now, she's opening up a lot to him in this scene, considering that he tried to scare her with his own panther and like laid a kiss on her. And also like, again, this dialogue, there's so much air between the lines, Paul.

Yeah, everything. They're not in a hurry in any scene to get through.

No one's in a hurry, no.

Two things strike me with this scene. One is, OK, so she is a slave and he observes they treat her like a beast. He is the beastmaster.

Master, yes.

That's not good. The other thing is she's a slave, but she's free to wander off and go bathing in this waterfall pool without any guards or accompaniment. There's another woman with her who doesn't have any lines.

And well, but that's because if she goes too far, her family will be put to death.

I guess so. That is the leash they have her on.

I'm taking over. I'm taking over.

We gotta get to the freaky tree.

Oh, yeah. Oh, God. We haven't even. Okay. Jesus Christ.

This will explain the eagle, the medallion and all that kind of stuff, which is cool. So then they separate. She goes back. She has to go back. He wanders off. Then there's this weird cut tonight and he finds himself in front of this weird freaky tree that has these glowing hanging pods. And there's a cauldron. Weird amniotic light bulbs with some weird brew and a head of a human. There's a guy in the cage.

Wait, wait, stop. What is it about human soup in these movies? Conan had human soup.

I don't know.

What is that? Just a shorthand for I'm evil? We're making human soup?

Times were tough.

Tastes like chicken. So I guess so.

So he frees the guy in the cage, but then he is surrounded by these ominous kind of strange eagle cult creatures.

The leather wing digestion monsters, I call them.

Yes. And so they wrap their kind of weird leathery wings, whatever, arms, skin.

Hang tight. Hang tight. Hang tight. Yeah, yeah, yeah. So Dark gets to this camp. He recoils up the human soup. He realizes there's a dude in the cage who's obviously going to go in the human soup. Frees the dude in the human soup, right? The dude runs away, right? And then the evil creatures with the leather wings that you just described, wrap their arms around the dude. And it turns out if they wrap their arms around you and their leathery wings get around you, they digest you in real time.

Yes, except the bones and then all the bones fall to the ground in a clatter.

So, Darr didn't really save this guy, but now, no, I didn't understand, but he somehow has earned the respect of the leather creatures. How did this happen, Paul?

Oh, oh, and why do they need the soup?

Oh, why would they need soup when they can just digest people with their leathery? Okay. Oh my God. Oh, producer Brad, you're like a-

This is so clear. This is so clear.

So two things- I started hitting the weed at that point because holy shit.

So first of all, first of all, sharing is caring. So the soup is a way for them to share the human with the entire brood of the cult eagle cult creatures.

Got it.

But he escaped. So rather than let him escape, this guy just eats the whole guy himself.

Right. Just eats him himself.

Presumably, the other guys are like, hey, what are you doing? That was we were supposed to share that. They're going to deal with that later. That's their problem.

That's the spinoff movie.

Yeah. So here's the pivotal thing that happens, and it gives us a setup that is later payoff in the third act. You know how I love my setups and payoffs.

It's like Back to the Future, Die Hard good setup and payoff in this, isn't it?

So the eagle, Dars Eagle, arrives and is observing what's happening, and lands on his arm in a falconry way. Then the eagle cult members, they step back in awe. Because then the eagle jumps from Dars arm to the statue. There's a statue of a giant eagle that presumably the eagle cult, they're all worship the eagle. They're the eagle cult. They clearly can tell that Dars is touched by the spirit of the eagle, is blessed and protected by the eagle so that he is worthy of their respect. And so that is what lets Dar walk away free and not be eaten to his bones, thanks to the eagle. And as Dar departs, one of the eagle cult members, I think the guy who's now had his fill of the prisoner, steps forward and you're like, this is freaky. But he hands him an eagle medallion.

Medallion, yes.

That clearly has significance and it will not be referred to or described until a pivotal moment later in the third act. And then Dar is on his way and we're like, this was just a weird scene. What does this have to do with anything? And there's no explanation until the very end.

This scene owes me $5, Paul. So anyway, so then finally the plot-

He resumes his quest. For what?

We don't know.

For revenge.

Oh, yeah, okay. That's what he's got. Okay, never mind.

So he's going to revenge.

So then he finds the walled pyramid city. Yeah, bodies on pikes, flanking the entryway. He enters the gate. He steals a cloak.

And then by the way, just like Conan, he steals a cloak, right? That's what you do. And Oscar nominee Rip Torn is about to sacrifice a kid to the god R, right?

Yes. And does.

And does.

By the way, only kills a kid.

Beastmaster is a poor kid.

He just throws into this fire.

And by the way, producer Brad, can you give us clip number seven, please? Because damn, this is just harrowing. And I want to talk about this, but not for long.

Ah, receive this child as a gift from your devoted servant. Marr is not yet satisfied.

So then he says the mug's find another kid.

So dude, here's what happened. So he kills the one kid, right? And Beastmaster's just like, oh, wow, that's bad what's happening in this village. And I did nothing about it. And then Mad Max asks for another kid. He gets another kid and he's about to throw him in the fire. And finally, our punitive hero takes action. Mad Max actually still throws the kid in the fire. The eagle grabs the kid. In what, by the way, was not a horrible sequence of, you can tell they're saving their shot, so you don't see the eagle carrying the kid off too much because they clearly don't have the money to do that well. But I think they did a good job of kind of just showing as little of that as possible, very tasteful.

Other than the sheer implausibility of an eagle, a fraction of the mass of the kid, flying away with the kid.

Yes. Well, yeah, there's that. But Paul, what I'm trying to say is this.

Oh, and Dara also sees Kiri among the slave women assembled on the pyramid.

But what I love about the scene is that Mad Max, this guy, he's got a great save. Like, literally, he's like, R is not satisfied, let's throw in another kid. And then an eagle comes in and gets the kid. And Mad Max is like, okay, I just got fucked over by an eagle.

Because everyone bows. All the villagers bow at this amazing sight.

So he's like, I got to get in there and get some cred back. So he says, clip number eight.

And when they bow, only the Beastmaster is left standing. Yes.

So then, so Mayak sees the Beastmaster.

There's a big eye fuck between Mayak's and the Beastmaster here, aren't there?

Right.

But this is how Mayak saves. This is his good save. Ready? Hit us.

See?

I have spoken. He wants your children.

So two things about this, one of them is that is the evil sorcerer version of I meant to do that.

Yeah.

And two, I got to come in Rip Torn like, look, Rip Torn is clearly like he's way out of this movie's league. You know, Rip Torn is an actor, actor. Like, you know, like I get why John Amos is in this movie, because he's a black man trying to make an acting career in the 80s. But Rip Torn had a house payment. But I got to tell you, like, he fucking brung it. Like, he's dining on that scenery, isn't he?

Yes. He is chewing on mouthful after mouthful.

Now, my question is, do you think he did the nose so that people wouldn't recognize him? Or do you think he did the nose as a character thing?

I don't know that that was his choice. I think that that was probably just part of the directorial vision.

Okay.

Yeah. So then we cut to Knight. Dar has snuck into the village. He's somehow tracked down the parents of the kid that his eagle rescued, returns the kid.

Didn't the ferret help him find them?

Oh, yeah, I think they're right.

I might think of something later.

Maybe. I don't know.

He has the ferret sniff the bag and then he lets them go and they lead them to the house.

Right.

There's a happy reunion and of course the family then give Dar the gift of dinner and exposition.

And the gift of exposition. Yes, indeed. Oh my God. I literally call this character Expo Dad.

Yes.

I don't know what the exposition is. It's a mayax is evil. He's got a pyramid. They sacrifice the J will show up and kill everybody. So please, whatever. And then Dar leaves the village and the panther fall. I don't know why he leaves the village, but he leaves the village, right?

Yes. And mayax is sending his monks after the Master of Beasts.

Yes.

Wait, pause for one second. The one thing that Expo Dad says is that the Jons put the demon-hide priest mayax in power. So that's the connection between the Jon Horde and mayax.

Put him in power. I see. I see. In a plot twist worthy of your former employer Akira Kurosawa, Paul, the famous parrot owner Akira Kurosawa. Okay. So the priests are hunting Dar. Somebody has a ring with the eyeball ring, which allows mayax to see what Dar is seeing. Mayax has a shrine pool. And so anybody who's got the eyeball ring mayax can see. So he sends a dude with the eyeball ring to get Dar.

Yeah. Which is a really cool device.

It is.

It is.

Don Cascarelli. I mean, look, like I said, the guy brings weird to the world, right?

Yeah.

So he fights a couple of priests out in Topanga Canyon.

Yeah.

Or Vasquez Rocks or whatever. The panther falls into a pit, and this is where Dar is saved by none other than the former captain of the guard of King Zedd played by John Amos.

There's a really nice exchange then between Seth, John Amos, and Mark Singer's Dar. But John Amos, or Seth does not know who Dar is. Dar being the unborn.

Because Seth doesn't know that, so Seth is the guardian of another kid named Tal, who is the second son of King Zedd, who apparently had enough time before being imprisoned by Mayax. We find this out later. Who had enough time to have another kid in a plot twist. By the way, kind of like the Sword and the Sorcerer, where there was Talon, and then there was the other guy who was the other prince, right? And nobody knew Talon was the first prince.

Yeah, and then we will come to find that Kiri, Tanya Roberts, is Tal's cousin, Right.

which also makes her Dar's cousin, which makes her later basically putting sex on the table as a reward for his saving King Zed and all of that other shit. Very suspect. It's very Princess Leia, very Princess Leia, Luke and Han, the whole thing. Who's somebody's kid? I don't fucking know. Isn't Luke, Han's, and Leia's kid? Anyway, I was doing a scout in a castle in one of these fantasy shows I've worked on. And you know, when I worked for Alejandro Amenabar, no, I didn't work for him. Sodorowsky. Yeah, no, I worked for our friend, Swat Truffaut. When I was working for Truffaut, we went scouting a castle and the topic of incest at Medieval Times came up and somebody literally said, As it does. As it does. Somebody in the crew goes, Oh, you know, it got really cold in those castles. And I'm like, that's no excuse. But anyway, so Tanya Roberts is his cousin. Okay, whatever. So, oh, by the way, Johnny Amos and Tal do have the best line of dialogue in the movie. And it's not a line of dialogue. It is when you first meet them, you find out that Seth has trained Tal in the art of fighting with a staff.

Yes.

And they both, when you meet them, they both do a staff twirl in unison.

Oh, it's so great.

It is honestly and objectively for me, the best moment in the movie, because it actually, without a single line of dialogue, it reveals to me this older man has raised this younger kid. He's a father figure to him.

Yes.

He's trained him how to fight. And they're so joined in their relationship that they do this simultaneously. It actually, for a movie this bad, it's kind of an amazingly good moment.

Yeah. And it's a second example of this film having very positive portrayals of essentially adoptive fathers or stepfathers. Yes.

Yes. Which I really like.

Yeah. It's really nice. It's really cool.

And very 80s, by the way, because as we know, Gen X was sort of the divorce generation and there were not a lot of great stepfather figures for a lot of people back then. So I don't know how this happened, but it's a whole thing.

So they're about to part ways, but then they decide they need to team up. And so they team up to travel to the temple together. Then they're sharing and discussing more exposition, showing off the stuff that the ferrets have stolen. The kid then, this is crucial, the kid then wears the eye ring, which has been stolen and recovered. And then the kid starts wearing it and then becomes an unknowing spy for Mad Max.

What a twist. The kid takes the ring from one of the dead minions and becomes young.

Darr enters a meditative state, has his eagle vision, and sees that Kiri and the slaves are being led to be sacrificed. So then they embark on a boat to go rescue them.

But the priests ambush the boat in what is the most languid, slow-mo action scene in history. This scene in The Rope Fairy goes on and on and on. I mean, it's literally just like, wow.

Yeah, but it's a rescue scene and the panther helps too. And Darr again tries to use the panther to woo, whatever. But they escape, they get through. Then at some point, the eagle is sent again to the rescued kids' villager dad to recruit him to help smuggle them into the city. Here's something I don't understand. How does he understand what the eagle is telling them?

And he's arguing with the eagle. He's like, no, don't come get me.

I'm a coward.

I'm just a simple man with a bull cut.

He's also a beastmaster?

Yeah, I don't fucking know.

It doesn't, whatever.

And by the way, dear listener, I know that right now the plot of this film must seem like it's mush and we've just sort of lost the threat, but yeah.

Yeah, so he smuggles the men on his quarter under Hay.

Also, why do you have to smuggle Dar into the village when literally Dar walked in the first time with a cloak? Like I know Dar is kind of like Max's most wanted, but it's not like the egress into this village is that difficult. Also, one of the things we learn is the village has a tar moat.

A moat of bubbling tar.

So we go into the catacombs of Mayax.

Of the Pyramid Temple.

And just note that John Amos has gone off to find an army, so he's not with them.

Oh yeah. Right, right, right. So that's why Seth is not with them. So it's Dar and Kiri and...

Tal.

Tal.

I was going to say Lal, but no, that's Data's daughter from The Offspring. So Seth is going to have to find the Rebels, because much like the Sword of the Sorcerer, in all these movies, there has to be a team of the Rebels somewhere. They're going to go find the Rebels. They infiltrate the castle. They find King Zed, right, who is actually somehow been imprisoned underneath the catacombs. And we're just finding this out. He's been imprisoned under the catacombs or was this... I don't remember. This is part of the...

So, Mad Max is observing them, again, through the eye ring, which again, they haven't discovered. They sneak into this temple through this creature dungeon. There's an obstacle thing that Dara has to get through. They have to steal keys to the prison to save the king. He has to lower the ferret's Mission Impossible style down through a grate into this room where a prisoner is being turned into one of their death soldier monsters.

Oh, I did get a death guard quote out of here. Producer Brad hit us with quote number 11.

That's how a death guard is made. Extreme torture transforms the man into a wild beast.

We have to steal those keys.

Okay, this is hilarious to me because we've never seen a death guard before and we're talking about it like it's part of the movie.

Oh, we've kind of seen them around. They're like the big baddies, whatever. But yeah, it's just whatever. Yeah, it's very fast and loose.

We find the king in the catacombs. We start rescuing him. Mad Max sends a bunch of crones after us.

But meanwhile, Kyrie finds a secret passage. And if you're watching, you're like, how does he know there's a secret passage there? It turns out Kyrie is a Trill Warrior, not to be confused with the Trills from Deep Space Nine who have symbiotes in their bellies. But that this temple used to be the home of the Trill, this obscure, ancient sect of warriors or something, of which Kyrie somehow is one. So she's secretly a badass, which comes in handy. They then find the King who has been blinded, being held prisoner. And again, the King is Kyrie's uncle and Dahr's father, but they don't know that yet. And Tal's father, who they're trying to rescue, has been trapped. Then they get trapped, because Mayax has been watching them through the eye ring, trapped by Mayax and one of these witch creatures who corner them.

This is actually a cool moment.

This is very cool.

The witch creature is fighting Mark Singer. She puts a noose on his neck. Yes.

And she throws some liquid at him to like, blind him temporarily. So he can't see.

He can't see. But she is literally clinging to the ceiling. So she's on top of him. She's got him on the noose.

Exorcist style. She climbs onto the ceiling.

It's actually kind of cool.

It's very cool.

I'm going to allow myself to get excited about one thing because it's the only exciting thing in the movie. But how does Mark Singer get out of it? He's been blinded. And there is a creature above him that he cannot see to kill. Paul, how does he get out of it?

Well, he doesn't know where she is, much less when she's above him. But his panther friend, whose name I forget, is clawing at the door, trying to get through and can see through. And so Dar uses panther vision and sees through the eyes of the panther, sees the witch creature above him, and then he strikes his sword right above him, raises it and impales her onto the ceiling, killing her, even though he can't see, but the panther can. It's pretty badass.

I would make a joke about the eye of the panther, except for one thing. The panther is actually a painted tiger, so it is in fact the eye of the tiger.

It is. He uses the eyes of the tiger.

Oh my God, buddy. Meanwhile, the full circle to Rocky, thanks to Lone Factor, just rose precipitously.

Mmm, the Frank Factor.

Meanwhile, the ferrets are being chased by the death soldier. They're fleeing with these keys.

In a scene that...

I'm still not sure what the keys are for, or why we need them, because we've already rescued the king, or found the king.

But by the way, ferrets being threatened by soldiers, a scene that would have delighted your former boss, Pedro Almodovar.

If only they had been captured and killed.

I'm not letting go of this schtick, my friend.

Dar and Kiri and Tal take the blind king to this freaky giant skull room. There's this exit that is covered by a giant skull boulder that they are able to raise and then they're going to flee. But Dar cannot because he has to stay behind to save his friends.

Right.

Poto and Koto, the ferrets. I still don't know why do they need the keys at this point. I guess the keys are to the gate of the city, I think. So they can escape.

But then the gate has a counterweight and the ferrets found up eating the rope.

Yeah, we'll get to that. We'll get to that.

Do we? Must we get to it? Can we just get to it now, please?

Yeah, yeah, we're almost there. So then he stays for the ferrets to save them.

Right.

He thinks that the others have escaped, but Kiri stays also to help him. Ferrets arrive with the keys. They escape through an air shaft, which is kind of convenient, very kind of medieval, Geoffrey's tube. A death soldier pursues them out the air shaft onto a cliff. The eagle arrives, takes them out, knocks them off the cliff to his death. Then they escape, fall off because the rope is fraying because the deaths, whatever. They fall into the villagers' cart conveniently of, hey, they're racing to the city gates, but it's closed. So Dar sends the ferrets and the eagle to open a gate. Again, I have a note in all caps. I want the eagle to eat the ferrets. The eagle's got to be hungry.

Does the eagle carry the ferrets to the rope they're supposed to eat through? Yes.

So he imparts the ferrets to be carried by the eagle, who again, should be hungry and should eat them. But they go to try to loosen the counterweight to release the gate, lift it. There's a guard who captures one of the ferrets, is about to slay it with its sword. But the other ferret bites him in the crotch. The gate is open. They escape. And then the gate falls, pins, death soldiers to their death. Then we have...

I'm in hell. I'm in hell. This movie is hell. Literally, this is the most...

We're in the home stretch.

Like this is the end of the second act. This should be... Like again, Sword of the Sorcerer is probably made for half of what this movie was made for. You know, because the movie was probably like a $10 million movie. I think Sword of the Sorcerer was like a $5 million movie.

No.

I think so.

There's no way this movie had $10 million.

No, it did. I think it did.

That's what it was listed at.

Yeah.

I think that's a lie.

They added a lot for special effects.

Gross exaggeration.

Just a lot of special defects in this movie. Look, the point being, they get out, and then they are talking to John Amos. He's come back with like two dozen rebels.

Yeah, so they meet up at a campfire scene at night, and then there is a disagreement between Dar and the King on strategy. And again, they don't know that they're related. The King calls Dar a freak who speaks to animals.

And that is the opening line of our podcast, because it describes it. But so here's the thing. So King said...

Wounding him! Wounding him! To his very vulnerable soul.

And he doesn't even know that's his dad yet, which is sad.

No! No!

When he finds out he's like, Dad, you called me a freak? So anyway, but there's an argument here, okay? King said, who's been imprisoned, blinded, and presumably insane, wants to take the 35 rebels and storm the castle and fucking take out Mayaxe. And Darth says, you're crazy, you need to get an army. Producer Brad, can you give us quote number 12, which kind of gives us the gist of the scene? I want to talk about, I have a criticism having to do with this quote.

Even though I cannot see, I reject your pity. 35 warriors, strong and good, are more than enough to crush Mayaxe. He and his monsters must die. You will take Uruk and give them the death they so richly deserve. No.

Taking back your city is not the answer. If you succeed in killing Mayaxe and the priest, you will only bring down the wrath of the Jun Horde. I've seen what they can do. You need an army.

All right, so shockingly, our hero is not down with the plan to go attack the city with a... By the way, not the usual beat in this kind of movie, because usually the hero is like, we'll do it. But he's like, dude, you don't want to go in there with nobody. We're not that good, which is interesting. Obviously, the king takes his couple of rebels in there, they get their asses handed to them, and now Tal is going to be sacrificed to the god Arr, right?

Well, so an important thing happens.

Really? Because I missed it entirely, but do go on.

So through all of this, Tal is still an unknowing spy due to wearing the iron.

That's right.

The finally Seth spots it and then impales it, and then pleads with the king that my acts knows their plan has heard everything. They're going to be captured and sacrificed, and then they are captured and going to be sacrificed. Dar, though, has left because he was wounded by his unknowing father's insult, and after being comforted by Kiri, who then returns to them so that she can also be captured with all of them. Dar then and the animals have to come to the rescue. I have to say at this moment, my fondest wish for this movie, if I could wave a magic wand, would be to bend space and time to merge it with the climax of RRR. And have Dar lead a legion of animals, an army of beasts to raid the city and destroy the death. But of course, that's not possible. But that's living in my heart and imagination. So, Mayax has got Kiri up on the altar, on the top of the pyramid. He's taking a really long time, because, you know, Leisure, to kill her. He has all the time in the world, but doesn't take it. Then Dar intervenes, stabs him. Then in this moment, where the blind king is there as well, it's revealed that Dar is the unborn son.

This is where we get a moment that is literally worthy of your former employer, Serger Leone. When Dar finally confronts Mayax and calls out his name in rage. Producer Brad, can we hear clip 13, please?

You are doomed. The unborn has arrived.

So, two things here. So, at this point, I believe, Mayax has killed or is about to kill the king.

Right.

Also, let's just give a tip of the hat to Lee Holdridge for his score.

Yes.

In the film, we heard a little burst of it there, but it's a fun score.

I don't think it's a bad score. I don't think it's particularly well edited into the film, but then again, nothing is, so it's fine.

But then, Darr stabs Mayaxx, we think is going to die, but of course, no, no, no, that's not that would be too convenient. He's not dead yet. Then he turns, stabs the witch who then turns into a dove and flees. Now, here is a perfect setup.

Right.

That is, I think, maybe the biggest flaw of the movie other than the Ferrets.

Other than the fact that there's another 10 minutes after this, by the way, that is the biggest flaw.

Yes.

This should be the end of the movie. It may actually be fine.

Yes. Yeah, it should. But the witch creature, one of all these witch creatures, but this is apparently the main witch creature, is stabbed by a dar, turns into a dove and flees. Now, obviously, obviously, what the whole movie has been setting up and leading to, is for dar to command the eagle.

Right.

To go and kill the dove, kill the witch and eat it.

Before it can warn the J'Horde, that's going to kill you.

Yes. I'm like, we're going to see the eagle kill the dove. That's what it's an evil dove. It's the witch creature dove. But no, we are denied. That is something I'm sure was probably challenging to execute, probably was on the table as idea and had to be cut. But I felt robbed by the film that we did not get this moment.

Here's the thing, Paul, because God is dead and we're all alone. The pigeon somehow warns the J'Horde, and that leads to the entirely up. Because usually this kind of film that we storm the pyramid, kill the evil priests, and then it's done.

Like in Conan, like he slays the guy and then the villain. So here, he slays the evil sorcerer. It's done. Seth John Amos leads a village uprising. Then, Mayax who's not quite dead yet, and Dar has rescued Kiri but lost his father, the king who's been killed. Mayax rises up and is going to stab Dar in the back.

It just keeps happening.

Kill him and get revenge. But then Pogo, one of the ferrets, valiantly leaps in an uncharacteristic of any ferret. Because as we have established, they are inherently evil. But in this world, there is a moment of heroism from Pogo, who leaps to Dar's defense out of pure devotion, and attacks his neck and topples him into the fire that he had been sacrificing untold numbers of poor kids into. Sacrificing himself to save his friend and leaving in an uncanny echo of my lived experience, one ferret alive, robbed of its best friend.

But I think that had your former employer, Vim Venders, directed this film, there would have been a hell of a lot more pathos in the death of this ferret. I feel like that moment was underserved. Anyway, the movie just keeps-

But we can't rest because the horde is approaching the city.

The movie just keeps happening. There's more movie-

There's this great background dialogue of this argument from Villagers. One's saying, we must fight and the other, no, we must flee. But Dar makes the decision and he says, they will fight.

Yes.

So the bridge is pulled across the moat. The moat is then covered and camouflaged.

What we find out is that there is a test, and it was a test that Dar knows from something about the tar, whether you fall, whatever the fuck it is. They cover over the moat in the hopes that the Juns will fall into it. And this is actually how this is explained. Rooster Brad, can you hit us with clip number 14, please? Because I'm telling you, I can't even, it's too much.

In my village of Emur, the Tar was a right of manhood, a test of strength.

If we're lucky, the Juns will fail this test.

The entire gambit is they camouflage the Tar, the Juns fall into it, they set the Tar on fire, and kill the majority of the Juns, right?

Yeah.

How is this a test of manhood in a village? Like you fall in the Tar, they set the Tar, you survive, no.

It doesn't make any sense. And we never saw that. We never saw it, it was never referenced. Yeah, that line is like bullshit.

What kind of test of manhood is that? Step in the Tar, we'll light it up, see if you survive. Of course you're not gonna be a man.

Yeah, it's an over explanation.

I don't know.

But another pivotal thing happens, which is this medallion that the weird, freaky eagle cult creatures imparted on to Dar.

Approximately nine hours ago, yeah.

Dar remembers he has it and he gives it to the eagle and sends the eagle away. Dun, dun, dun! It's very, very exciting.

Very exciting because...

Very hobbit-like.

Yes, except that Dar doesn't know what this is going to... This just happens. Anyway, look, what happens is...

Horde attacks.

They kind of survive at night.

There's a big battle sequence. Tal gets shot by an arrow.

Now, leading to the only good catch line in this movie, which is that they light up the Tar, the Junds go up on fire, but then they survive the Tar. They have everybody surrounded. And remember how Dar said, Let's hope the Junds fail this test. And they had this great plan. Jon Amos, Seth, turns to Dar and says, It almost worked. I mean, come on, in the face of death, Jon Amos is like, Yeah, it almost worked. That guy is cool. He just does not give a fuck. That guy is great. Yeah.

This is kind of a cool twist.

Yeah.

And then the horde leader, this faceless masked horde leader challenges Dar.

And he is the guy who killed Dar's adopted father, whom we love. It's the same dude with the fucking antlers. Oh, yeah. That's why this battle is supposed to matter more than killing the maniacs. Because it's the antlers who somehow we're supposed to remember from like-

I totally forgot that.

We're supposed to remember from like nine hours ago, except that unlike Conan where we killed the secondary villain, who's the guy who killed Conan's mom and dad, then we killed the evil sorcerer. In this movie, we killed the evil sorcerer first, draining all the dramatic tension out of the movie, and then we got to kill some shemp that we haven't seen in an hour. So what else?

Okay. Right. And we've forgotten who he is and what the significance is. So they fight, they duel.

They duel.

And then the eagle returns.

Because Darwin's the duel, but there's still like a whole bunch of hordes surrounding everybody. They're all going to die.

Oh, yeah.

So the eagle comes back and what happens? Hit me, Paul.

Well, the eagle returns with the freaky eagle cult creatures.

Because somehow, darn new, if I send the freaky evil cult creatures back with this medallion, they'll show up at the last minute to digest.

It's a call for help.

Is it?

Well, Gondor calls for aid.

But here's the thing.

Here's the thing.

Now, when your former boss, Peter Jackson, made that movie and renowned ferret hater, I might ask. It wasn't a cheat because they say they call for help. They like the fires of Rohan, right? So that when the elves from West Hollywood, and they do look like they're from West Hollywood because they are gorgeously groomed and muscular, show up, it's not a fucking out of nowhere twist. He set it up, right? In this movie, they get this medallion, Dyer sends it out, and only he knows what it may or may not do. And then the evil leatherweight-

But we don't.

No.

We can kind of guess. I guess? If-

Look.

But it's still a little, it's, yeah, yeah, it's, it's a leap.

Anyway, we're supposed to stand up and cheer when the evil leather creatures that eat people show up and pull our asses from the hoard. Yeah.

They shrink wrap with their weird skin appendages and arm hugs, the evil horde and suck them to their bones.

Yes.

And it's gross. And these evil, gross creatures are like, yeah, come and save the day. And it's so messed up and hilarious.

And by the way, if your former employer, Lars von Trier, had made this, the ferrets would have gotten digested too, but whatever, because he's a renowned leader of ferrets.

Well, we haven't seen the end of the ferrets. Anyway, the village is saved and free. Thank God. Tal is wounded, but lives.

But lives.

He will be named king, even though Seth knows, and there's a great little scene with Seth and Dar, that Dar is the firstborn and should rightfully be king.

Seth sees that the branding on Dar's hand mysteriously matches the shape of the stairs to the pyramid.

Huh?

And you actually see it on camera. You see the hand in the pyramid and you see Seth putting it together.

But Dar refuses. He can't assume the mantle of king. So Dar, though, Dar refuses the call of the crown to be king and to take up the mantle of his heritage, because he has a higher call. He has the call of the sequel of Leisure of Leisure. Now that he has sated his thirst for revenge.

Yes.

He now is free to go live a life of Leisure with his animal friends and his cousin. Dar leaves tall, who's now going to be king, his caper weapon, which does seem like a setup for a sequel or something.

Yes.

The Hinge Boomerang Blade thing. Then Dar, the Panther, the Eagle, and Kodo, the surviving ferret leaves, and we get the reveal, and this is just too cute for words, and it annoys me to even say it, Kodo has two baby ferrets. Oh, for shit's sake. But Kiri follows Dar, and then there's this epic sweeping kiss on a hilltop.

Between cousins because it was cold.

Between cousins. Let's say a leisurely kiss.

Yes, a leisurely, it's so leisurely. Oh my God, it just keeps.

That closes the film on the epic vistas of the California desert.

On the epic notes of triumphant and incest. Paul, Paul, wow. Thank you for taking me on this journey. Worthy, worthy of your former employer and renowned ferret hater FW. Murnau.

I can't stop.

It's the only thing that's keeping me going through discussing this horrible film. I love Don Coscarelli. I love Mark Singer. Mark Singer was the hero in V.

Remember V?

Yeah. Yeah.

How fucking cool Mark Singer was as a broadcaster.

Yeah.

The cameraman. I mean, I like this guy and I like Coscarelli. This movie just does it for me.

And Tanya Roberts who goes on to Bond Girl Immortality, in Roger Moore's final film of You Do a Kill.

And she also helped put the nail in the Charlie's Angels coffin. I mean, she's-

Well, I was, yes, I wasn't going to say that, but yes.

As you know, I also helped put the nail on the Charlie's Angels coffin because I worked on the ill-fated reboot.

Yes.

And it got cancelled right after my episode aired, which was the same day my second episode wrapped. So I feel like me and Tanya Roberts have that in common.

Many, many nails were hammered over the years. I had so much fun because my expectations were so bad, were so low. I was dreading this so much. And I thought this is just fun.

I would like to like your experience of your encounter with the Leisure Investment Company of America with seeing jaws, like why is the shark scary because you don't see the shark? And then when you finally see the shark, the shark is demystified. So what happened to you with The Beastmaster? You literally were dreading it, you were dreading it. We've taken about a two, three week hiatus. So you've literally been dreading this for all this time. And then you saw the shark and you weren't scared anymore.

I don't know. I was still scared of the shark at that when I saw it. So I don't know if that holds up. But I get what you're saying. But no, I think this film has for all its flaws, it is a flawed gemstone that has an abundance of charm.

You know what? Look, I did not really enjoy watching this movie the second time around. I can't say that I ever enjoyed it. But I will say that because it is Don Coscarelli, and because Don Coscarelli is one of those avatars of weirdness, there is enough of the shit that I loved in Bubba Hotel and John Dies at the End, that I do see the genius in his work in this film. I just don't see that he was supported in this film by subject matter and script to really get his freak flag on.

Yeah, and it's early kind of prototypical, primordial Don Coscarelli. And with the resources that what he was able to muster, I think it's remarkable and had a life beyond, I think, what any of them could have hoped or imagined.

It would seem to me that as we talk about the cultural impact of this film, which is the last thing we always do, you have to admit that this movie, Living on Cable Forever, is sort of a prototypical movie we all saw on Cable, right? And it was a joke on SNL, like everybody knows this movie because it was on forever in the mid to late 80s in Cable TV.

Yeah.

There was a sequel film, there was a TV show.

There was Beastmaster II Through the Portal of Time, which co-starred Carrie Whirr, I believe, who was the co-host of the MTV's Remote Control. Yeah, one of the best TV shows of the late 80s, yeah.

Kenny wasn't like the other kids.

Producer Brad, what was the box office impact of this film?

First, small digression, I'm kidding.

Producer Brad, no.

Should we subtitle this podcast, Summer of Human Soup, instead of Summer of 82?

Producer Brad, you're a genius. You're a genius.

Okay, this movie opened Friday, August 20, 1982. It landed at number four for the weekend with just short of three million. The top three ahead of it were ET., Friday the 13th, part three, and An Officer and a Gentleman. For the year, it was number 60 behind Diner and just ahead of Visiting Hours.

Just ahead of Megaforce 2, right?

Yes.

I want to say that as much as this movie was hard for me, I do believe that it did beat Megaforce, and that alone is a reason to celebrate.

Oh, yeah.

Yes. So it beat Megaforce. It did not beat Grease 2, The Thing, Night Shift, The Road Warrior, Fast Times, Blade Runner, TRON, Sword and the Sorcerer, Conan.

And for career, it's 5,198, which is one spot ahead of The African Queen and eight behind Office Space. And I should note, I keep quoting these all-time rankings, but they're always changing because new movies jump in front. So when I looked at this last week, it was three spots higher, but it keeps getting knocked down.

We really need to struggle to preserve the cultural legacy of Beastmaster as it is pushed further and further down the all-time movie rankings by these young upstarts.

Is that really our responsibility?

Not in the fucking least. I think it's the responsibility of your former employer, Andrei Tarkovsky.

I'll need a lot more pie.

Producer Brad, what are we watching next week? What are our choices?

We are rapidly approaching the end of our summer season.

No, no!

Two Fridays left in the summer of 82. Next week, we're going to August 27, and there's only one movie in wide release. And that movie is the teen sex comedy Homework starring Joan Collins. I was going to suggest we watch it because it's an era of teen comedies. We haven't discussed it. But then I read that many of the actresses in this film sued before the release to have their names pulled or stop the film. And it seems like a sort of a shady production.

Is this the part where you tell us about how many people died of some more? Like there was a gas leak and a bunch of people died making the movie. So, you know, OK, never mind.

No, this is where I tell you that they created a love scene with Joan Collins and the young actor and they used a body double. So she was never part of the scene. So everyone thinks she was nude and she was very upset by that.

You know, here's the thing, I think that we could watch an 80s sex comedy, but I think I mean, I think Fast Times is kind of the best version of an 80s sex comedy.

Yeah, I think we've done that.

Well, we haven't done the bad ones.

We've done the only good one and night shift. Yeah, I also think and forgive me. But if I remember this weekend in August, I got a list for you a list of what?

Here's the movies that are playing this weekend, August 27th, that we have not seen.

Okay, go on.

Friday the 13th, part 3, The World According to Garp, Oh God. Young Doctors in Love, Oh God. Six Packs, Kenny Rogers, Things Are Tough All Over, Zapped, not going to see that.

Things Are Tough All Over is a Cheech and Chong movie, right?

Cheech and Chong.

Oh dear Lord.

The Beach Girls, which is another teen sex comedy, and it made 17 million somehow.

Wow.

Diner. A pirate movie. And I think the movie that Paul is hinting at is called The Soldier, with Ken Wall, Klaus Kinski and Soundtrack. This is going to seal it for you, Javi. Tangerine Dream.

Done.

Done. Done. It's one of those. Yes.

80s action obscurity.

I've heard that this is one of the better Klaus Kinski, Ken Wall movies. So I think we're in good shape. All right. In that case, next week we will see, what is it called? The Soldier?

The Soldier.

The Soldier. Ken Wall, Klaus Kinski with a soundtrack by Tangerine Dream. Until then, we will see you next week.

Until then. That was the nice one. And you killed his only friend.

Wow. I've got to tell you, like Satya did rage, it sounds very Mexican in your impersonation. Until then, we will see you next week in line at the Multiplex.

What just happened to us?